Long Time, No Post

All I can do is apologize. I'm sorry for lacking in my blogging. It just happens sometimes.

So what has been going on for the last couple of weeks? Let's start at Thanksgiving....

We spent Thanksgiving with our friends Karen and Joel and their kids. It was a nice relaxed day and the food was yummy! It was our first taste of deep-fried turkey...O. M. G!...so good! So moist and juicy...my mouth is watering for it again. :) (Thankfully we get a T-day round 2 on Sunday with them....there was a 3rd turkey to cook!) So we watched football and chatted and some drank lots of wine. Not me of course...Nemo is not a fan of wine or any type of alcohol. The idea of it turns my stomach. Weird.

I did not participate in my normal Black Friday shopping this year...shocking! I just had zero desire to get up early and fight the crowds in J-vegas. Last year it was absolutely crazy...I have done many years of BF shopping and had never seen crowds like that. I checked out the ads online of my favorite stores to go to and honestly there was not a single thing that I needed or had to have. So I stayed home in my warm bed with my wonderfully cozy hubby! It is hitting me now that I may miss BF shopping for a couple of years...not a very conducive activity with a young baby/toddler and a husband that may or may not be home. Hmm.

BJ put up our outside decorations and I did the majority of the inside stuff that weekend. It is like Christmas morning because I have a ritual of doing my decor shopping the day after Christmas the year before. Everything gets home and gets packed away...then I totally forget about what I got and when I start opening boxes I am slightly surprised at all the new stuff. We also realized that we may need to replace our main Christmas tree at the end of the year this year. It had an entire section of lights that refused to come on. BJ tried everything short of throwing the tree out of the window to get that section to work. In the end he "hill-billyed" it up by putting a strand of white lights on the tree. It looked good! So the house is looking very festive. Then a tragedy hit.

We were robbed! About a week later, we came home from being out at the club and everything seemed fine. We got up the next day...enjoyed some lazy time...and then started getting ready to attend 2 events that evening. BJ went out the front door to turn on the outside lights and that is where he discovered our theft. Our set of 3 lit deer and our brand new set of 2 lit penguins were missing! Some jackass actually stole our Christmas decorations. Really...I am not kidding. The only thing left was 2 wings and a beak from one of the penguins. I was heartbroken. I had purchased the penguins last year with the thought that I would be pregnant or have a baby by the next Christmas. They were part of my lucky penguin collection (this includes a necklace and figurine)...many of you know that penguins hold a bit of lucky and hope for those that struggle with infertility. They are our mascots. The deer set is a few years old but this year as I watched BJ put it together out in the unseasonably cold North Carolina weather I had a bit of a fantasy future memory. I stood there (in the nice warm house of course) with my hand on my belly thinking about a few years from now when we have a toddler who wants to help daddy do the lights. Our child would get bundled up and go outside to help. They would see the set of 3 deer and say "Look daddy! It's you and mommy and me!" Our perfect little family. The thought brought tears to my eyes. And now that memory may not happen...unless I can find a new set of deer.

So to whoever stole our Christmas decorations...Merry Fucking Christmas! I hope Santa shits in your stocking!

So on to happier news. We had our NT scan this week...but it was only me that went since BJ was out of town. (Well, my best friend Steph went with me.) Nemo was very well-behaved and laid perfectly still while the ultrasound tech took the needed measurements. Nemo is perfectly in the normal range...1.5mm and they look for it to be under 3mm. I also met with the MFM doctor briefly and went over some initial genetics things and decided (for now) what testing we will do. At this point we are doing the NT scan, integrated blood work (or quad screen) and Level 2 ultrasound. After all of those things, we will meet with the MFM doctor and discuss what our true risk factor is for Down's Syndrome and other congenital birth defects. Right now...based solely on my age...my risk for DS is 1 in 175. Hopefully that risk will be lower after all the screening and there will not be a need for an amino.

I do have to share the my bestie cried when she heard Nemo's heartbeat. I felt bad for a second because I know that she and her husband are trying to conceive and so far no news to report. It made me think of how hard things were for me when I would see pregnant ladies or babies. My heart would hurt. She assured me that she was okay but still I hope that it was not a sad moment for her....that would make me sad.

So that catches you up...for the most part.

I Love Turkey!

And I am so excited to dive into some tomorrow! And the mashed potatoes. And the sweet potatoes. And the stuffing. And most definitely the pie! Man I am hungry....

We have so much to be thankful for this year. It has been almost exactly a year since we arrived at Camp Lejeune and started this new chapter. So much has happened in this year and we have so many things to look forward in the coming months.

- We are finally pregnant after such an uphill battle.
- We are enjoying a great life.
- We have wonderful friends and family who support us through everything.
- We have had amazing medical care provided to us by our military doctors.

And all of these things (and many of the things that you are thankful for as well) would not be possible without the sacrifices that all our service members and their families make every day. To those who are close to us that are currently deployed and those that will be deploying soon...you are always in our thoughts and prayers.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Baby's Nickname

Several of my friends have come up with nicknames for this little one...Nemo, Rio, Alpha. BJ and I have pretty much stuck with Nemo. It works for us...the movie has huge references to dentistry! But really it goes to the opening of the movie.

Remember the attack of all the fish eggs? In the end there was only 1 egg left...it was the one that became Nemo. That is defintely how we feel...just 1 little, lonely egg that somehow against all odds has become our baby. It is truly a miracle.

I do love all the other nicknames though...and my friends can refer to this baby as those names whenever they want...they all have a little story.

Alpha - This is the name given to our embryo from my friend Karen. We are military and before we even started stims we would joke around about how many embryos we would transfer and referred to them as Alpha, Bravo, Charlie and Delta after the phonetic alphabet. We knew we would transfer up to at least 3...possibly 4, knowing that the chance of all of them sticking was fairly low. In this joking around, I told Karen that she would be taking Delta because we only had room in our current vehicles for 3 carseats. Of course in the end we only had Alpha...and Karen is off the hook for taking care of Delta.

Rio - My best friend Steph came up with this one. During my bedrest period following my transfer we had a crazy amount of rain over about 3-4 days. There was flooding and roads being closed all over the place. I joked around on FB that if I did get pregnant that I should give my child a water-related name. Of course my friends had no problem coming up with some hilarious names. Steph's contribution was Rio...not only for water but of course the lovely Duran Duran song! She took a couple of days and gave it more thought. She decided that since we live in a world of acronyms that Rio stood for Reached In Ovary. She cracks me up!

Honestly if it was not for such great girlfriends who make me laugh and keep me grounded I would not have had such a positive attitude while going through IVF. Don't get me wrong...I had bad days. Days that I would be so pissed off at the world. Days that the sight of a pregnant woman would send me straight to tears. Days that newborn babies would cause my heart to break. Days where I would see parents yelling at their children in the store and have to talk myself out of taking the child home with me. But through all of that...I smiled and carried on. Found the good in every day and tried to always be positive about what was going on...no matter what. I certainly don't think that is what got me pregnant...that would be Dr. P!....but I really believe in the power of positive thinking. Surrounding yourself with positive energy and shutting out the negativity in your life...focusing on what the goal is. To have a healthy baby.

A Bit Of A Scare

Just a fair warning that this post is going to be a bit TMI....just so you know.


Let me start by saying that I am okay and so is our little one. But we had a real scare yesterday. I had been out running errands and when I got home I went to the bathroom. (Surprise, surprise.) I instantly saw blood on my underwear...I started screaming "No, no!" Then I wiped and there was more blood. The tears just started flowing.

I called BJ right away...he was only about 5-10 minutes from the house. He was going to come home and we were going to head back on base to the ER. But in the 3 minutes that I was on the phone with him...I soaked through my clothes with blood. I ran upstairs so that I could change my underwear and pants. I felt like I had to pee again and when I went to the bathroom, there was more blood...and now huge clots. I just sat on the toilet shaking and crying. That is where BJ found me. He got me some clothes and a pad and into the car. We got to the ER just before 4:30 pm...for reference I discovered the bleeding at almost 4 pm.

I got triaged...had to give a urine sample and then had to wait in the waiting room. For about a hour. It was torture. BJ and I sat in virtual silence...I think we were too afraid to speak. Finally I was called back and taken into a room. The doctor came in (he happened to be the husbnad of someone I know) and I lost it again. (I had been having bouts of tears off and on the whole time.) I explained what was going on and he did an external ultrasound. He could see something was there but could not see a heartbeat clearly. He told me the only way to really be able to see things clearly was to do a vaginal ultrasound. He offered to get another doctor to do that since we know each other but I decided that it was fine. He is a great doctor and in the end it was actually kind of comforting to kind of know my doctor.

So we did the vaginal ultrasound and he was able to see the heart beating. We were so relieved. But he let us know that we were not out of the woods. We needed to follow up with Dr. P. I made the call to Nurse D last night and she told me to come in today at 10 am. It was the longest drive ever. And when we got there we had to wait an hour before being brought back. I was going crazy! Finally Ms. G came out to the waiting room to call some other patients back and saw us sitting there. She told us to come back as well...apparently the people at the front desk never told them I was there. Ugh.

I went into the ultrasound room and had to wait a little bit for Dr. P to come in. He asked me what had happened and then started the ultrasound. He saw the baby right away and saw the heartbeat too. It was nice and strong at 176. Thank God! We are not totally out of the woods...Dr. P wants me resting and taking it easy...but I have another ultrasound next week. He thinks that I have a subchorionic hematoma. Lots of pregnancies go on to be successful...so we are saying lots of prayers for this little to stick around for the next 7-8 months.

Go Navy!

Game time! Notice all the Midshipmen in the corner?

We got to go to the Navy - East Carolina University game yesterday. So much fun! And the best part....Navy won! Huge! 76-35....the Navy does not take Pirates lightly. :)

We went with some friends and we all met at Ruby Tuesday's in Greenville (home to ECU). We filled up on some yummy food...can you say Lobster Mac and Cheese? Yum!....and then headed over to the stadium. We found a place to park and made the hike to the game. It was quite crowded at the gates but the line went quick. Then it was the long walk up the ramps to the upper bleachers....pretty sure the air was much thinner up there! We arrived at our seats just in time for the game to start...phew!

Navy got the ball first and scored a touchdown on the opening drive...yay! But then ECU answered back and they kind of teeter-tottered back and forth for the first half. But Navy came alive in the third quarter and never really looked back. It had started to rain and had gotten a bit chilly out by the fourth quarter...so we decided to head out since it was 62-35 with 10 minutes left in the game.

Sun setting near the end of the third quarter

After we got back to the car and we were headed out of town (with a quick pitstop back at Ruby Tuesday's for dinner!) we heard that the final score was 76-35. The Midshipmen had scored 2 more touchdowns! Awesome!

We had such a great time! Can't wait to go to a Navy home game!

A little wind blown and rained on but having a great time!

Accepting Reality

I am most definitely pregnant. We had out 2nd ultrasound and baby (or Nemo or Rio or Alpha...this child already has so many nicknames!) looked great. Heartrate is 148 and our little one is measuring 7 weeks 4 days (7w4d) and I was 7w6d...so basically right on target. It is amazing to see this tiny little baby on that screen and know that it is in there and growing! We are finally letting it sink in that we are going to be parents...a little tiny person's mom and dad. Whoa.

But my biggest reality check....nausea. I have horrible nausea. I try to be a trooper and mutter through it but it is starting to kick my ass. And while I don't enjoy throwing up at all...I wish I was. At least I would have something to show for feeling so crappy. :/ The worst part of it is that it hits anywhere between 4 and 6 pm...just in time for BJ to get home. I feel pretty okay all day until that time and then I hit the brick wall and all I want to do is lay on the couch and not move. I guess this is my reminder that I am still pregnant.

My clothes (pants really) are getting snuger (is that a word???) by the day but I am getting by with button extenders and loose shirts. I actually just ordered some maternity shirts from Old.Navy...I am thinking they will at least be long enough to cover my too tight jeans and pants! I may have to go check out Mothe.rhood Matern.ity and try on pants in the next few weeks. I have discovered that ON will not work for me at this point....they just don't fit right.

Our big announcement for today is that we have decided to be Team Green. This means that we will not be finding out what the sex of the baby is before s/he is born. Since this will be our only child, this is our one and only chance to have that moment in the delivery room. A chance for my husband to look down and tell me "It's a _____!" I know some people are going to be shocked because I am super anal about things but I am actually very at peace with this decision. I think what helps is that I can do the nursery neutral in the beginning and since we are most likely moving some time around the baby's 1st birthday, we can do something more gender specific and a bit more grown up at our new place. The joys of being military and getting to move every so often! I love the idea of getting to re-decorate every 2-3 years. :)

And since I was a slacker last week...here is the picture from last week. I did promise to put the picture up. :)

Confirmation Ultrasound

We have a baby! One baby with a beautiful heartbeat! We are beyond excited...and we have pictures but I have not scanned them into the computer yet. Need to get on that!

So the story of how our day went....

We were lucky that our appointment was at 11:30...this meant that we did not have to leave at the crack ass of dawn. Instead we slept in a bit and got up at 7:30! We got showered up and dressed and we were on the road by 8:45. The ride seemed forever! Not much conversation between the two of us...you could tell we were both nervous. I felt on the verge of tears the entire time...silently talking to our little embryo and praying that everything would look okay.

When we got to Womack, we checked in and took a seat. Still very little talking. Ms. G came to the door and called us back. My heart started beating so fast. We made that walk down the hallway and had to wait in an exam room for a few minutes...again mostly silence....while we waited for Jen (the ultrasound tech) to finish up with some other patients. Apparently she had wanted to do my ultrasound herself...makes sense since she was so involved in our whole IVF process.

Finally it was time....my stomach was in knots. Jen totally noticed and asked where the normally bubbly me was. Ummm...hello...totally freaked out here! I tried to lighten up a bit and smiled and laughed. And then it was time...Jen wasted no time...she immediately saw a baby with a heartbeat and she let us know. I burst into tears. And they did not stop the whole time that I laid on that table. BJ stared in awe and had a huge smile on his face. I should also tell you that both Ms. G and Nurse D came into the room to watch the ultrasound. I swear they had tears too! So Jen took some measurements and printed out some pictures for us and it was done. She gave me a huge hug and told me that I could come back as often as I needed until I graduate to the OB.

We came out of the room and Dr. P was there. I gave him a high-five...yes I high-fived my RE for getting me pregnant! He said that I was definitely proof that it only takes one embryo to get pregnant. So very true! He asked how long I wanted to stay with them...to which I hesitated...and he quickly added "until 36 weeks?" I said sure! Of course he was joking but I will continue to see him until 12 weeks then I will switch to hospital here on base. I think I am going to give them a call next week to make my appointment since they tend to be busy.

It is so hard to believe that we are actually going to be parents! Awesome!

So... A Change In Plans

We were supposed to have our ultrasound tomorrow (the 26th) but Dr. P is going to be out of the office at the ASRM conference in Denver. So we had to reschedule to Friday....which then was possibly interferring with BJ's eye surgery. Ugh! Why can't life be simple??? Things have worked out in the end and BJ will not have any appointments on Friday and will still be on sick leave following his surgery, so he can go with me. Yay!

So far I have been feeling okay. No really morning sickness yet...although I have had some nausea. My boobs are killing me. Don't look at them, don't touch them even a little (this includes accidental brushing up against them!), don't think about them. Ouch! The only other thing is that my clothes are already starting to get tight. I am definitely not ready to buy maternity clothes yet so I have resorted to rubberbands and belly bands. I do not have a baby bump...I have baby bloat. :/

Some random observations so far....
~decaf coffee is not as good as regular....and it does taste different
~it is possible to drink 8 - 8 oz glasses of water in one day
~having conversations with your drunk friends is hysterical!
~I have never wanted a turkey sandwich so badly

I am keeping myself grounded by reminding myself that each day that I wake up...I am pregnant. I am so thankful for every day that I am....I am not going to take this miracle for granted. It is hard not to worry that something will go wrong...that is totally normal after all we have been through to get pregnant...but we are staying positive. So we are keeping our fingers crossed until Friday and saying lots of prayers!

A Little Surprise Beta

So I called Nurse D yesterday and had jokingly asked her how many more betas could I have. She told me not to worry about that unless I had any cramping or bleeding (which I do not have!). A couple of hours later she called me back and said that Dr. P had approved for me to get a repeat beta for today. I totally did not expect that but I happily ran down to the lab this morning!

My beta today was 878. Holy shit! I am for sure pregnant! And because I can't just know that number and not do anything about it...I googled. The average for 19 days past retrieval is 607....if we followed my doubling from last week it should have been around 400. Umm...it looks a bit high. Of course this really does not mean a whole lot....there are women that have really high betas (like triple my first two) and only have 1 baby, and there are others that have lower than mine and are pregnant with more than one. It is all a guessing game until that first ultrasound....which is now scheduled for Oct 26....two incredibly long weeks!

Explanation Of POW/MIA Ceremony

So a couple people asked me what the POW/MIA ceremony symbols represent. I found this text of the reading that goes along with the ceremony. So for our ceremony...as each item was described the item was brought to the table...very touching. This ceremony is done at every formal military dinner. It is very moving and touching every single time. Please take a minute to read this and remember.

LET US REMEMBER THE MEN AND WOMEN PRISONERS OF WAR FROM ALL BRANCHES OF SERVICE THAT ARE TOO OFTEN FORGOTTEN. LET US REMEMBER THEM.

THE TABLE CLOTH IS WHITE, SYMBOLIZING THE PURITY OF THEIR INTENTIONS TO RESPOND TO THEIR COUNTRY'S CALL TO ARMS -- SO THAT THEIR CHILDREN COULD REMAIN FREE. REMEMBER.

THE LONE CANDLE SYMBOLIZES THE FRAILTY OF A PRISONER ALONE, TRYING TO STAND UP AGAINST HIS OPPRESSORS. REMEMBER.

THE BLACK RIBBON ON THE CANDLE REMINDS US OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT BE COMING HOME. REMEMBER

THE SINGLE ROSE REMINDS US OF THE LOVED ONES AND FAMILIES OF OUR COMRADES IN ARMS WHO KEEP THE FAITH AND AWAIT THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER

A SLICE OF LEMON IS ON THE BREAD PLATE TO REMIND US OF THEIR BITTER FATE -- IF WE DO NOT BRING THEM HOME. REMEMBER

THERE IS SALT ON THE PLATE, SYMBOLIC OF THE FAMILY'S TEARS AS THEY WAIT AND REMEMBER.

THE GLASSES ARE INVERTED. THEY CANNOT TOAST WITH US TONIGHT -- MAYBE TOMORROW, IF WE REMEMBER.

THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE RIBBON IS TIED TO THE FLOWER VASE BY A YELLOW RIBBON THAT WAS WORN BY THOUSANDS WHO AWAITED THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER

THE FADED PICTURE ON THE TABLE IS A REMINDER THAT THEY ARE MISSED VERY MUCH AND ARE REMEMBERED BY THEIR FAMILIES. REMEMBER.

AS WE LOOK UPON THIS EMPTY TABLE, DO NOT REMEMBER GHOSTS FROM THE PAST, REMEMBER OUR COMRADES.

REMEMBER THOSE WHOM WE DEPENDED ON IN BATTLE. THEY DEPEND ON US TO BRING THEM HOME.

REMEMBER OUR FRIENDS. THEY ARE THE ONES WE LOVE -- WHO LOVE LIFE AND FREEDOM AS WE DO.

THEY WILL REMEMBER WHAT WE DO. PLEASE HONOR AND REMEMBER THEM.

My Husband Got Some Bling

So our other big news of the week....BJ got his FMF (Fleet Marine Force) pin! He spent months studying, took an oral board exam, had to pass two physical fitness tests, and qualify on the pistol. It is a huge accomplishment and I am so incredibly proud of him. :) It was a surprise that he got pinned on Friday...he really had no idea. And what was even cooler....our FRO (Family Readiness Officer) called me on Thursday and told me ahead of time so that I could be there to pin it on him. I kept it a secret too...and he was completely shocked to see me there. It was an amazing moment for both of us. This was the first time that I got to pin something on him while in uniform....I did his Lieutenant bars at his commissioning but he was in civilian dress.

Most Navy officers don't earn this pin this quickly....and to top it off he started off behind because the classes started right before we got to Lejeune. He was allowed to jump right in and make up those classes. Yay!

So check out the bling.......

This is a picture from the Navy Birthday Ball last night. It was our first ball and it was so much fun. The POW/MIA table presentation was amazing...literally brought tears to my eyes. Could be the pregnancy hormones....lol! So here is a picture of the finished table. They carried in each individual piece...the table, the tablecloth, the rose, the plate, the glass, salt, the chair, the lemon, the candle, the napkin, the place setting. And with each piece they explained the significance of each. It was beautiful.


So this has been a huge week in our house...lots of smiles and happy tears. Finally!

Cautious Optimism

So after almost 3 years, 3 IVF's (or 2.2 since one did not make it to ER/ET) and so much heartbreak and tears.....we are pregnant!

I have been a bit under the radar for the past few days. Honestly we did not have much going on since my last post and then we got our BFP (big fat positive) and BJ and I had made the agreement to keep the news a bit hush hush until our second beta. So here is what has been going on for the last few days.....

To back up a bit, I have been POAS (peeing on a stick) since the day after my trigger. I will be honest...it was kind of fun to see those first few tests come up positive. :) The trigger was out of my system by Sunday. So I kept testing every day. Oh joys and addiction of POAS! On this past Wednesday morning, I tested again....at 9dp3dt and the morning of my first blood pregnancy test (beta)....and we saw a very, very faint second line. I was not really convinced that I was possibly pregnant. So off to the lab I went to get my blood drawn. We all know how much I love that!

I had a hair appointment...which I had made on purpose when BJ's eye surgery got canceled....I needed to keep myself distracted. So as I sat in the chair...with my head covered in tinfoil and my phone glued to my hand....the phone rang and it was Nurse D. She sounded excited. She asked if I had POAS yet...I told her every damn day! I told her that this mornings was a very faint line. She then said the words that I have been wanting to hear for 3 years....YOU'RE PREGNANT! My level (the amount of HCG hormone in my blood) was 35. The average for 9dp3dt is 25...so this was a good looking beta. I was crying, shaking and screaming for joy...the poor ladies in the salon did not know what to do with me. I called BJ right away and he reacted the same way. We are finally going to be parents!

Our plan for keeping it quiet somewhat derailed though....BJ told his staff (he was at the front desk and not in his office when he picked up the phone), so I called both our moms and let them know. Then I called my best friend...who I had also lied to about our test date (sorry Steph!)...and told her the big news. Well from there it spread a bit...but we wanted to still wait for a public announcement until after Friday's second beta. So I kept POAS Thursday and Friday. Here is a picture of our three sticks...you can see the line getting darker. By 11dp3dt there was no mistaking that the second was there....

Friday morning I had to get my blood drawn again. It was a bit of a rushed around thing...there is a whole other bit of excitement going on that I will post about tomorrow. (I know I am such a tease!) So as I was sitting in my spouse club board meeting I got the second call from Nurse D. My level needed to double to at least 70 or at least make a good rise....it was 83! We are definitely pregnant! Nurse D scheduled my first ultrasound for 7 weeks...right now we are about 4 weeks. I cannot wait to see this little one bouncing around in there. Oh and for good measure I POAS again today...this time a digital one. It makes my heart flutter to see this word....


Thank you all for all your kind words of support through all of this. We truly do appreciate the love, prayers and thoughts as we have taken this journey to get pregnant. Our little one still has many hurdles to cross over the next 9 months...so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Noah's Ark

It is time to build an ark here. (We are prepared with our 2 of each animal requirement!) It has been raining off and on (mostly on) since Sunday night. Of course this has made my house arrest much easier because I have no desire to go anywhere....but now I really need to run one errand and it is nasty out. Hmmmph.

BJ gave me permission to take my dress for the Navy Ball to the tailor to get it taken in slightly...as long as I did that and came right back home...but it is literally raining like a monsoon out there. Not really conducive to walking my beautiful dress from the car to the tailor. Let's just say that the dogs look like they have been through a carwash in the few seconds that it takes them to go potty...if they decide to actually go and not just cower on the porch in front of the door. They really do hate to potty in the rain...as with most dogs. I really don't blame them too much.

So the wait continues.....

House Arrest - Day 2

I AM SO BORED!!!!!

Okay I do realize that many people have had to be on bedrest for way longer than me and that it has only been barely a day...but holy moly this is boring! Thank God for great friends though. :)

Two friends came to hang out and bring me goodies today (thanks Karen and Steph!)...a decaf pumpkin spiced latte, cookies, and magazines! Who knew a person could get so excited over such little things? So they hung out for awhile...the three of us on my bed. (Yes it is really "bed"rest....BJ won't let me be downstairs with the pups. They love to jump up on the couch and lay on us and he is not cool with that right now.) I look like a hot mess...definitely taking a shower tonight! Bedrest is not a glamorous thing...but I got cute pj bottoms!

Nothing to report on the embryo front...it has only been one day. I am not even going to try to analyze symptoms....the endometrin kind of creates symptoms....and last time I swore up and down that I was having early pregnancy symptoms and we all know how that ended. So for now we are just kind of hanging out....hoping that BJ will let me come downstairs to watch Glee. Pretty please!

House Arrest - Day 1

Okay...so I don't have an ankle bracelet like Lindsey but I am now confined to the house for the next few days.

Our transfer went very well...no issues at all. The only "wrinkle" was that Dr. P said that we had an option to do assisting hatching. It is one thing that I know very little about in the IVF world. But he explained what the purpose is and after some thought and discussion...we decided to go for it. And of course it comes with its own little price tag....$750. We know now that we have done everything and anything to make this cycle a success. The reality is that this is likely our last attempt at IVF...given our track record of very few follicles that result in only one viable embryo at transfer time, we are just not sure about spending another $6600+ for one more cycle. We are not really ready to have to conversation about embryo adoption or any other options yet...we just need to get through this cycle first and take some time to grieve and make a decision about that next step.

But for now we are so very hopeful....basking in the possibility of becoming parents. I also snuck a picture of our little embie....so without further ado, I present embryo V!


Since it is a bit difficult to type on my laptop while lying flat on my back...I am cutting this short. Promise more updates as the days pass!

Fert Report #2

So our 2 embies has dropped to 1. I am sad but trying to remain hopeful that this 1 embie will bring us our much desired baby.

So our little rockstar is looking perfect. It is 4 cells and has no fragmentation. Dr. P is very happy with this and gave us the choice of a 2 day transfer or a 3 day transfer. He told us that he thinks going to to 3 would be fine given the state of the embryo...so that is what we chose. Our transfer will be tomorrow at 1 pm.

Today I will be going to a baby shower for a friend. I know some people wonder why I would torture myself but really it is not. I need to occupy myself and keep myself distracted. I also need to get some stuff done around the house like paying bills and balancing our checkbook. Yes BJ could do it but it is my job....and he is putting me under house arrest starting tomorrow when we get home. I will be hanging out on our bed....laying flat on my back, reading a book or watching TV. The pups are not going to be allowed up there with me...my overprotective hubby does not want them to have the opportunity to lay on my belly or accidentally jump on me. Already the doting father-to-be. I get off house arrest on Thursday night...just in time for Bunko! Yay! Anyone wanna come hang out?

Fert Report

All 3 fertilized normally but 1 stopped growing pretty early. The other two are split....1 is looking good and the other is on the fence. As Dr. P said "it could go either way". He will be calling me tomorrow morning and letting us know how those 2 look.

I am trying to remain optimistic but honestly it is hard. I keep remembering what happen with the last cycle. BJ is reminding that I cannot give up yet...and he's right. So now I wait.

Update Over The Last Couple Of Days

Sorry for not updating sooner...it has been a bit of a roller coaster ride.

I ended up having to a second trigger shot on Thursday. My HCG blood draw was only 82....again they like to see it at 100. So when I got the call, I packed up my trigger meds, called BJ at work and headed over. At least he now has his own office and there was no risk of someone walking in. Silly me was wearing a dress...yep, had that pulled up to my waist!

So second trigger down and we were set for our 9 am retrieval. We got up bright and early...5 am...got showered...let the pups out...BJ made himself a coffee (none for me since I was not allowed anything to eat or drink after midnight)...and we were on the road. About half way there, I realized that I had forgotten to bring my bag o' meds. I did not think too much of it though because last time I had very little pain. I just made sure to let Nurse D know that I did not bring anything with me...no biggie, she could call my percocet into the pharmacy at Womack. So after a bit of a wait in the waiting room....they were busy with 4 ER's and several IUI's and ET's...we went back to get started. I got changed into my gown and lucky socks (I participated in a lucky sock exchange with an online message board that I frequent.) and headed into the holding room. The anesthesiologist went over my medical history and then started my IV. I cried a small bit but not as bad as the last time. Then it was time for ER.

My lucky socks!

I walked into the room and got all hooked up to the heart monitors, strapped into the stirups and they started the good meds....don't remember anything else after that! I woke up and the first thing I asked was "how many eggs?" and they told 5. I yelled "YES!" Dr. P popped his head in and said they had not scrubbed them down yet so he did not know how many were mature but he would find out shortly. Ms. G (one of Dr. P's nurses that help with the cycles) walked me to the recovery room and then got me banana bread and water...so good! She went over my post-retrieval instructions and by the end of it Dr. P came back in to say that 3 were mature. I was thrilled. I know it is not that many eggs but it is 2 more than my first IVF cycle. He said they looked like nice strong eggs. So I got dressed and BJ came back. We then headed out...with a stop at CVS for some tylenol...I felt great and did not think I needed the percocet. We met up with Christa and her hubby for breakfast at Cracker Barrel...I was starving! After 2 1/2 hours driving home...I rested on the couch and BJ straightened up the house because they were coming to stay with us for the night.

I did get pretty uncomfortable last night and I did take some percocet before bed....and again at 3 am....but I doing good now. Just waiting for Dr. P to call with our fert report....please let all 3 fertilize normally!

Gulp - Taking One For The Team

Got the word! We are triggering tonight....and now my stomach is in knots. I am terrified.

We have 6 good looking follicles that Dr. P measured...biggest is 18 and the smallest is 14. He also saw for sure one other follicle that looks in the 15-16 range but it is being elbowed out of the way by my monster 18. There were also about 3-4 other smaller follies. My lining is okay at 10...I am going to drink up some POM juice between now and transfer...and I am still waiting on my e2 level and the exact trigger time.

Even though I am terrified of that trigger shot (umm, hello...it is an inch and half long needle!), I am very much relaxed and at peace with this cycle. I have had so much fun doing silly things over the last few days. More laughter and less tears this go-round! I thought about going to a taroh card readed but ended up not doing it....just not sure that I want to hear what they want to say to me. I am hopeful and excited that this is my cycle. I don't need anyone else to tell me what might happen in my life....well, except maybe my hubby....but hell he doesn't even know! I kind of like living in this blissful state of euphoria!

Not Triggering......Yet

So no trigger for tonight...I'm kind of bummed. We had hoped that we would trigger tonight and retrieve on Thursday because it would mean only 1 day off of work for BJ. Not that taking 2 is a huge deal but he is trying to get his oral surgery rotation done before his eye surgery. For the love of God...why does everything have to be complicated for us!

My ovaries are doing good though. Dr. P did my scan again today...which I don't mind but he does not always measure every single follicle. Yes this is a big change from IVF #1 when I was freaking out that Jen, the ultrasound tech, had "lost" a bunch of my follicles and that her measurements were not the same as Dr. P's. So anywho...back to my ovaries. Dr. P measured 6 follicles - 5 were 16's and 1 was a 10. He also saw at least one other on my left ovary but did not measure it because he could not get a clear view of it...without examining my tonsils along with it. So we stand at 6 with a possible 7. My e2 is 1408. Nurse D said I am doing fantastic.

But......

We are not triggering tonight because they want me to stim one more day...try to get those follicles bumped up a bit more. So back to the dildo cam again tomorrow morning....ugh. I hate that thing.

Christa and I are still having fun though. She went with me this morning and we took Joan the Fertility Unicorn with us and had some fun taking her picture. And who is Joan you ask. She is a mascot for an online group of infertiles and she is even sprinkled with baby dust. Yesterday, we found her at Michael's and had to buy her so that she could bring us some luck...please enjoy!


We also made t-shirts to wear to retrieval and transfer...the things you do when you are out of town for an IVF cycle and bored out of your mind! And I did promise a picture of the IVF cake we made yesterday with G. So without further adieu....I present the great IVF cake!

Keep On Keepin' On

Follie check today...I am looking good. Dr. P did my scan again this morning and he only measured the ones that were close in size...all are between 14 & 16. He said I would definitely not trigger tonight but tomorrow is a possibility. Nurse D seemed very pleased with everything as well...so then I just had to wait for my e2.

But before that....Christa and I had some errands to do. We were on a mission to find some sperm to decorate our IVF cake. Umm...yeah....we are having a little IVF party. The two of us and our infertility coach G! We never found any sperm decor but decided to just pipe icing on the cake to look like sperm. So than began the next mission...we needed shirts and things to iron on them. So off to Michael's and we were all set. Those will be our project for later tonight!

We headed over to G's house and proceeded to make our cake....one slight mishap but it turned out great. I will have to post pics tomorrow...after I get the one I have uploaded. We got to hang with G's babies...she has triplets courtesy of Dr. P....and they are ADORABLE!

Nurse D called in the middle of cake making...my e2 is 1050. I go back tomorrow morning and she said we are 95% sure that we will trigger tomorrow night. Yay! For the record...the first IVF, at this point, I had 5 follies with an e2 of 624...so we are still rockin'!

Last Weekend...

Yep...that's right. The hope has creeped in again and I truly believe that this is/was my last weekend of drinking for the next 9 months. Not that I won't be attending all of these great events that happen here on base...but I really hope that I get to be the DD for awhile!

So Friday night we went to a fundraiser for the New River OSC...it was a beer and wine tasting evening, along with silent auction. I only had about 1 glass of wine total...I pretty much stuck to water for the evening. (Didn't say this was my last weekend????) But the food was great and the company was awesome! We did not win anything at the auction but the OSC made a decent amount of money for their scholarships...which is fantastic!

Steph, Me and Karen enjoying the evening

Then last night was the first big event at the Officer's Club for the year....Casino Royale. The club was decked out with slot machines, craps tables, roulette, blackjack and Texas Hold 'Em. And they were giving away free champagne (had one of those) and t-shirts (forgot to get one of those). The big give-away for the evening...a three month test drive of a BMW. There were 3 of those to win and they went to the highest chip holders....we were not even close in our chip count. The top winner had well-over $150,000 in chips. Damn Texas Hold 'Em...they win every time! BJ and I played blackjack all night and had so much fun....it is easier to make big bets when you are playing with fake money!

BJ and me at Casino Royale

So today is lazy Sunday...with a splash of housework. I need to get some stuff done around here before ER/ET and I get relegated to the couch for a couple of days. We are having a BBQ at our house in 2 weeks for all the junior dental officers in BJ's battalion and lord knows we can't have people over without cleaning up. And when I say cleaning...I mean my OCD husband is currently steam cleaning our carpets upstairs....and will be moving onto our couch soon. Man, I love him!

New Look For The Blog....And A Follicle Check

So I was playing around with my blog...with some help from my IVF cycle buddy Christa. So what do you think?

So my follicle check....

I went it this morning for my 3rd follie check....and it was Dr. P doing my scan. He still measured 8 follicles but his measurements are slightly smaller than Jen's. Nurse D said that I should not worry about it...so I am not. He did see at least one other follie but he did not measure it because as he put it "the other 8 look great". So I go back on Monday for my next check...it should be a big day. Some think I may trigger that night...others (myself included) think I will trigger on Tuesday. BJ is hoping that it will be Tuesday so that I will retrieve on Thursday and our transfer will be Sunday...less work that he misses. So any guesses from anyone else?

Oh and check out my little sidebars from IVF #1 compared to this IVF cycle....my numbers are so great! Third time is a charm!

We have a busy weekend ahead...of course, when I should be layin' low and resting. We have a wine and beer tasting night tonight and then tomorrow we are going to Casino Royale at the O'Club. It should be a lot of fun...last year it was sold out and people still talk about how much fun it was. Gambling, drinks and a cigar bar...what more could you ask for?

I've Got Some Rockin' Ovaries

Yep that's right! I have 8 follies...woo hoo! I could cartwheels...virtual ones of course, since we don't want to disturb them. They are currently in zen mode. My e2 is 167...which is great for now. So more stimming away and we go back on Friday!

So I am going to hang out here at Womack with a fellow IVFer (hi Christa!).

Pics From The Boat Trip

Okay...I did promise and Karen sent them to me....so here are the pictures of me doing my shot on the boat. Just a fair warning...I do not look pretty. It was warm out and the hair is very much windblown!

First Peek At The Ovaries

I had my first monitoring appointment this morning. As of right now, I have 5 follies (4 on the right and 1 on the left) and at least 3-4 that we did not measure. Woo hoo! I am very happy with this right now...and my e2 is 79....fantastic!

So we are just staying the same for now and go back on Wednesday for our next monitoring. We are off to a good start!

Hate to cut this short...but I have so much time and very little to do. Wait scratch that....reverse it. Busy, busy, busy.......

You Know You Are An Experienced IVFer When....

You have no embarrassment of bringing your little insulated lunch tote with all your meds.

You will shoot up in the bathroom of the Officer's Club.

You will mix your meds on a boat...with your friends all watching...and 3 perfect strangers.

And then shoot yourself up out in the open with all these people watching.

Good times! I guess just proof that I will let nothing stop me from living my life while doing IVF. Somewhere, Karen has pictures of this process. Maybe I will get them and put them up here! hehehe

Same Stims, Different Cycle

The self torture has begun. This never really gets easier....but it does get more familiar. I never thought I would get used to purposely shoving a needle into my body. Still has not really quelled my fear of needles....they freak me the fuck out. When this actually works (and it will!) I may be in for a rude awakening with all the needles that will be a part of my life. But I stand firm on my decision to not have an epidural...unless of course they need to do a c-section. (Although truth be told...I would rather just be knocked out with a general anesthetic.) My fear of needles far outweighs my fear of childbirth. Even the thought of a needle being shoved in my back causes my heart to race and me to break out in a sweat.

So this is how it has been for the last couple of days have gone....

I got the green light (or the red light as my darling husband has been calling it) from Nurse D on Wednesday to start my stims on Thursday. So we started with lupron...yes the evil lupron that causes headaches and makes me feel like shit....on Thursday. Then yesterday morning we added in our full stims. The first shot made me feel a bit queasy afterwards...that was a first. My second shot yesterday had to be done at the club....and because lupron has to be kept cold, I brought my meds in an insulated lunch bag. Complete with ice packs. How fun! So at just before 6 pm, into the ladies room I went. Spread out all my meds on the counter and proceeded to mix them up into my single shot. I was waiting for some unsuspecting lady to walk in and find me jabbing a needle into myself...ala IV drug user. That could have been very awkward...and I probably would have been the talk of the club. Scandalous!

So we are just stimming away and our first check is on Monday...the beginning of my busy week. I have that appointment and I am going to go hang out with a infertility success story friend. (She has triplets from an IVF cycle done with Dr P.) Tuesday is the welcome aboard for my navy spouse club....and since I am on the board I get to make something to bring and help set up. I think it is going to be good turn out and lots of fun to meet a bunch of new ladies (and hopefully guys!). Then a fun girl's night out in the evening...and back to Womack on Wednesday. I am going to hang out there for a couple of days with a fellow IVF cycler...so excited to see her again!....and then back home for the weekend. We have two events over the weekend, one on Friday and one Saturday....and then back to Womack on Sunday. Whew!

Grow follies grow!

Oh Happy Day!

I never thought I would be so happy that my period started! It is light and literally just started about 15 minutes ago...but she is here at that is what I care about.

I have put a call into Nurse D...now I am waiting to hear from her...and I hope that I get the green light to start stims. Please lord let this be the one!

Little Comments...Big Hurt

This is a tad long...but worth reading. I saw this on one of the infertility message boards that I go to regularly. Can you imagine hearing these things being told to someone in a wheelchair? People would be outraged...but yet it happens on a daily basis to infertile women (and men). And yes some of these things have been said to me...by people that mean well but just don't understand how insensitive these comments can be. And all I can do most of the time is smile politely and nod....for if I tell them they are being insensitive, then I am the bitch. I become the one who is being overly sensitive. What if I asked you when you were planning to have sex with your husband? What if I went to your wedding and in the receiving line I asked if you were ovulating that night and were planning to get pregnant?

No amount of relaxing will open up my tubes or get my husband to make more, better quality sperm. I can go through all of these expensive treatments and still not have a baby. And while I adore children...I don't want yours....I want my own. I want to look at my baby and find my nose or my husband's smile. I want to compare our baby pictures to our little one and see who they look like more.

So please read through this and in your mind replace being a paraplegic with being an infertile. Have you said these things to someone you knew was struggling with infertility? Have you made some of these comments to someone without knowing anything about their desire to have a child? Have you started a casual conversation with another person and asked if they have children? (Ever thought that maybe they don't have children because they are struggling to conceive?) It all seems innocent until you take a moment to step into their shoes and take a walk around. Try to apply this to your own life and think about how you would feel if someone constantly reminded that you have failed to achieve your biggest goal.




So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralysed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralysed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralysed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

Waiting Out The Storm

Well, we are sitting here tonight...waiting and watching for Hurricane Earl to hit. Our exact area is not under any evacuations but some places very close to us have been evacuated. Our first hurricane....yay! So before we lose any electricity, I figured an update is in order...

I know this will be repetitive for some of you....apparently if I don't update the blog, I get phone calls asking what is going on! I feel so loved!

As of right now, we are on the schedule for the September cycle. However my body is not exactly cooperating with that schedule. I was supposed to get AF about 2 1/2 weeks ago...yes you read that correctly, I am 2 1/2 weeks late for my period. Now don't get all excited and tell me I might be pregnant....I'm not...trust me...I have had blood drawn. So Dr. P put me on provera....it has been 7 days and still nothing. Nurse D told me not to panic....yet. At this point we are going to try for a "natural" cycle...which means that I will not take those dreaded BCP's. Hells to the yeah! But that also means that I need to start AF hopefully by Saturday or Sunday...but I could go as long as Wednesday before they will cancel me from the cycle. So please send any and all AF vibes this way that she will make her appearance this weekend. That would be ideal.

So the plan....if AF does what she needs to do, I will go straight onto stims starting CD 2 with lupron and then the big guns start CD 3 with bravelle and menopur. Depending on what day she arrives, that will decide how much meds we will start with. We are very much in a holding pattern with lots of variables to consider....this is so my life! Good thing that I am pretty flexible...even for a chunky girl!

I do have one less stress though when it comes to this cycle. BJ moved his eye surgery. After many conversations and realizing that it would be bad for us both to be laid up at the same time, he decided that moving his surgery would be best and that means we won't have to freeze sperm. That's good...now I will have that $200 to go buy a new purse. Oh what I didn't tell you? Yes my husband was trying to use the "it's only $200" as a reason to freeze his sperm. Guess what honey...that new coach purse that I want is "only $200"....if it is not that big of a deal than I think I have some shopping to do!

My mental state is relatively calm and hopeful...yes I said hopeful...right now. I really am hopeful that it will work this time. We will get to ER and ET. We will get pregnant. And we will be parents. What do you think of the name Earl? (Just kidding!)

Great Girlfriends

This is bound to be a bit of a sappy post...just be forewarned.

I have the best girlfriends. And what is truly shocking is that some of these women I have only known them for a few months. Yet it feels like I have known them for years...some even feel like sisters. This is partly because of the military. You are forced to put yourself out there and get to know people quickly because they could be moved away in a short time.

So back to these amazing women in my life. When I opened up about our struggles...I am an open-book of course...they offered a hug. Nothing more, nothing less. This was exactly what I needed. They didn't tell me to relax...they didn't tell me to just go adopt. And when 15 people in one week announce they are pregnant...they listen to me through the tears. All because they want to be there for me and support me. While I know they would do anything possible to give me my most wanted gift....they don't make promises that can't be kept. They will be there when my husband cannot be. To hold me hand and dry my tears.

And while they do these all these amazing things, I feel like I offer nothing but tears and bitching. But they are still there. I love them. And you all know who you are. You are the honorary aunties....because of your positive thoughts I know that I am going to get the fantastic gift some day. I know that I will be a mom and you all will be aunties!

Thank you for your amazing friendship!

Back From My Hiatus

Sorry about the lag in posting. I gave myself a bit of a hiatus. I really needed some time to just regroup and figure out what the next plan is. And to be completely honest...you all would not have wanted to hear what was being said in my mind. Let's just leave it at...I was really pissed off.

The big update is that we are going to try again in September. It will be an interesting attempt though. BJ is getting eye surgery done in September...and you guessed it...the surgery is currently scheduled during ER/ET week for the IVF cycle. Of freakin' course! So this means that we have to freeze sperm just in case he is not able to make the ER and then I may have beg my besties to help us out. You do realize that with our luck my transfer will be the same day as his surgery. So someone will have to take him to his appointment and someone else will have to drive me to mine. Lovely! But for right now...I will not stress....I will not stress....I will not stress. (I took a yoga class last week and I am feeling pretty zen...do you think it's working?)

So what else is new with us???

We celebrated BJ's 35th birthday a week ago. I had asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said (and I quote) "go to the beach and then go to Hakata". For those that don't know Hakata is our local Japanese hibachi restaurant. And so that is exactly what we did. Have I told you all how much I love living near the beach? And I love that my husband is like a kid at the beach. He spends hours searching for shark's teeth...you can take the dentist to the beach but you can't make him stop thinking about teeth...and he finds the coolest ones. And on this particular day, I caught a glimpse of him helping a little boy look for shark's teeth too. Tears welled up. I want him to be able to do that with his own little boy.

Last night we had our first Navy Dental Corps Birthday Ball. It was a good time and we got to catch up with people we have not seen in awhile and also meet some new faces. I am so looking forward to ball season. And what is ball season, you ask...well it is the most fun ever of course! LOL! Actually ball season is basically the months of October and November here at Camp Lejeune. The Navy's birthday is October 13 and the Marine Corps' birthday is November 12. We have one big Navy ball (since there is not a huge population of Navy personnel here at Lejeune) and then each command for the Marine Corps has one. We will probably have at least 2 balls to attend between October and November. The balls have all the tradition and all the fun. You get to go shopping for a beautiful dress....have a pamper-me day...your husband gets to wear his dress uniform (so sexy!)...and then have a fantastic evening of great food and dancing. And if you are really lucky...it is held at a hotel out of town and you get to stay overnight! Yay! This is going to be our first ball season and cannot wait!

So that pretty much gets you caught up on what has been going on in our life for the last couple of weeks. Relatively boring right now. But we kind of like it that way!

IVF #2 canceled

Today is not a happy day. I went in for my second monitoring appt and at this point they only see 4 measurable follies...and 1 of those is that stupid lead follie. The U/S tech saw no other small follies on the right ovary. Stupid ovary.

So with that news, Nurse D said we were looking at canceling this cycle. I am so sad. I had finally gotten to the point where I was getting excited and hopeful and now it is over. I hate this.

But mostly I am sad for BJ. I want him to be able to be a dad. I want him to have those first time dad moments. I feel like my body is failing me. It is my fault that this is not working. I love him with every fiber of my being but I cannot help but think he should be married to someone who can give him children. I have failed as a wife. I cannot fulfill my husband's wish to be a father. And of course when I was bawling my eyes out to him and told him all of this...he was the greatest husband ever. He told me that he only wants to be married to me and we will keep trying. And if it never happens then we still have each other. He is the best. I love him.

So for now...I am going to chill for the afternoon and then it is time for happy hour. I am going to have a drink or five. And I don't care.

Bad Ovaries!

So this morning, at the bright and early hour of 5:00 am, I got on the road to Womack. This drive actually goes very quickly for me...I have my coffee, my tunes and I know the landmarks along the way to mark how close I am. This morning was no different. Piece of cake!

Found a parking spot...which can be a challenge on some mornings...and got checked into at the clinic. I almost felt like I was going back to school...like it was the first day of school. Bloodwork - check. Vitals (weight, blood pressure, temp) - check. Ultrasound - check. And then the blocks tumbled...

I only have 3 measurable follies. (Measurable is defined as any follie over 4mm.) 3. This is worse than the last cycle. Are you fucking kidding me? Unbelievable! While I do have a few follies on my right ovary...they just aren't over 4mm yet...what concerns me the most is that out of those 3, 1 is measuring almost 11mm and the other 2 are around 5-6mm. So in the end I really only have 2 follies right now because that big one will get too big. So right now we are continuing forward. Upping the meds and we go back on Wednesday for another check. Oh and my e2...umm it was 522. I got very excited and then Dori burst my bubble a bit. They expect to see my e2 that high right now because of the estrogen pill I have been taking. Of freakin' course. So I guess I won't really be able to gauge how my e2 is doing since the level is skewed. :/

Sending out positive thoughts

Tomorrow is our first monitoring appointment for IVF #2. If you look back at my little box about IVF #1, you will see that at our first monitoring appointment I had 9 follies with an e2 of 32. That was after 3 full days of stims. This time it will be after 5 full days of stims. That would equate to my second monitoring...8 follies and e2 of 87. So knowing all of this...I am hoping to be significantly ahead of where I was at that second monitoring. My antral follicle count for this IVF was around 11...I think it was 6 on one side and 5 on the other. I am keeping my fingers crossed for at least 8 follies and an e2 over 100...that would be progress!

So far I have 4 days of stims under my belt and I am feeling a few twinges on the left side. I feel a little bloated...not bad but some clothes are feeling snug. My biggest change is that hope is creeping in! Yes I said it...I am starting to feel hopeful. I am starting to really daydream about what it will be like to see that positive pregnancy test. What I will say to my husband when I call him to tell him the results of the beta. I even want to purchase baby items...but I am refraining from that so far. Okay...I did get my bestie Steph a Beatles onesie. She loves The Beatles and I could not resist. But it was not for me so it does not count....right?

So I am very carefully balancing my hope and wishful thinking with my slap in the face reality. I have not cut out caffeine or alcohol completely but I have cut back. Kinda. I did have 2 iced coffees on Friday afternoon....but one was free. I was saving money. Sorta. But in my hope we went out for sushi on Friday night because I am going to get pregnant and won't be able to eat it for 9 months. See positive thinking! I really want this to work. I want to be a mom....and not just to my dogs. Please God let this work.

IVF #2

First shot done.

It was like old hat...so easy. Amazing how I was so worked up about all of this last time. So now tonight I will do my next one. And guess what...I will being doing it at the club. We have decided that we are still going to go to happy hour and try to keep our normal routine. So I will pack up my meds and excuse myself to the ladies room sometime between 7:30 and 8:00 pm. So klassy!

Today I get to hang out at the house all day. Our new phones are being delivered! We were both due for new phones and BJ researched a ton. We are getting the new Droid X from Verizon. Yay!

So hopefully I will get lots done around the house...of course that entails me getting off the computer and getting motivated! The life of a stay at home wife is so rough.

It is all down hill from here

Well, stims start tomorrow. Still not jumping up and down excited. I am not being negative...just reserved. There is a slim glimmer of hope though. I just want to be a mom.

I had my first filling done by someone another than my husband in about 7 years yesterday. You should all know that I am the.worse.patient. when it comes to dental injections. I cry. Uncontrollably. It starts with the topical...the tears start welling up. I actually laugh a little because I just can't control it and I know I am being ridiculous. Then the needle...yep full on tears rolling down my cheeks, pooling in my ears. And then once it is over...I am good. I become the ideal patient...mouth held open nice and big, calm and collected, follow directions. I felt bad for the dentist...but I did warn him ahead of time. But I would like it to be known that I wish Navy dentists could at least treat their families...I miss him being my dentist!

Thank you Dr. Joel!

I have switched my BCP to taking them at night! Yay! Thanks to Dr. Joel who said I could double up (take another pill in the evening after I had taken it in the morning), I am now nausea free!

So nothing new and exciting...just taking my concoction of meds and enjoying the next couple of weeks until we start the stims. I am trying really hard to not let things get under my skin...easier said than done...and not put the cart before the horse. Although I do find it fun and light-hearted to joke around about how many babies we will have and who will get the extras. (Karen is getting quatro...she asked first!) In some ways it is keeping me grounded leading up to all of this.

And it is official...I will be driving back and forth to Womack for all my appointments. I called Fisher House last week just to double check availability and the policy for reserving a room. Well...they are all booked up. It would have been nice to stay there again but now I will get to see BJ every night...I missed him last time! Hopefully I will only have to drive out there every other day...that would be ideal.

I'm just sayin'...

I really hate BCP. Hate them. With a passion.

It has been about 2 1/2 weeks on them and they are making me feel sick. I take them in the morning and by lunch I feel so nauseous. Like I am seriously going to get sick. Maybe this is a prelude to being pregnant and having morning sickness. Even my friends have noticed that I am not myself....sorry girls. :( I think last time I took them at night so I did not feel the effects. But stupid me started them in the morning this time....and I am not sure how I can switch back to night without screwing things up.

But other than that...2 weeks until stims start. Wow...2 weeks. Hard to believe it is that close. I think I am still in denial.

I am an idiot.

Okay, so I got my meds delivered yesterday from Freedom Pharmacy. First when the doorbell rang and I answered the door, I was shocked to see the FedEx driver standing there with a box. I actually said "what did I order?" Yep...totally forgot that my meds were being delivered. So unlike last cycle when I stayed at home all day waiting for that delivery. Today I was lucky that I was even home....I had been running errands, had a meeting and my aunt and uncle had stopped by (they were on vacation in the area) and I had taken them on a tour of the area....basically gone most of the day! Talk about not being overly focused on this cycle.

So while that was definitely a bit of a "head in the clouds" moment...it only gets better. I got up this morning and promptly went to take my meds (pre-natal, DHEA, BCP and now Estrace). I get them all out and got a small glass of milk. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to read the estrace bottle...mainly wanted to make sure how many I needed to take, 1 or 2. Umm...yea. It is not a pill that you swallow...it is inserted vaginally. Great. That could have been an interesting phone call to Nurse D...hi, I swallowed the estrace instead of putting it up my hoohah...now what do I do?

Maybe I should rethink taking meds in the morning before I have my coffee.

Green Light

Baseline for IVF #2 was yesterday. Everything looks good and I got all my meds...all three bags of them! The wonderful thing? No Lupron!!!! So happy! This means that I don't have to worry about keeping one of my drugs refrigerated. If we have plans for dinner or an event, I can just throw my meds in my purse and go. I feel so liberated!

So the countdown starts...it is 3 weeks from yesterday until I start injections. I start estrogen priming this weekend...that is easy...just another pill. That should go nicely with my other pill regimen! And I don't go back to Womack until August 2nd. Yay!

4 Wonderful Years!

We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. Wow....has it really been 4 years? Time has flown by!

BJ had to work...which was fine. Past years we have both had to work...well except the first one which was on a Sunday....so this year was a bit strange to be home by myself but so is this new chapter in my life. lol He got home and we got ready to go out to dinner. (We go out to dinner on our anniversary ever year...hopefully we will be able to keep up this tradition!) We exchange cards....but not gifts quite yet. The traditional gift for the 4th anniversary is fruit or flowers...and yes we are one of "those" couples and we get gifts based on that. Goofy I know but we like it.

We went to dinner at The Melting Pot in Wilmington (about an hour from us) and we had this very cozy table. It was tucked into an alcove and was very private. And waiting for me there were roses! Awww...gotta love him! (You can see them in the picture above.) We had the most amazing food and wine...so delish! Cheese fondue that had sake in it...lettuce wraps...great meats and veggies...and of course CHOCOLATE! It was DiSarrano White Chocolate....to.die.for. Needless to say we pretty much rolled ourselves out of the restaurant.

So our gift (we decided to just do a joint gift - to us, from us) is a wine fridge. It was hard to figure out something that fit into the fruit or flowers tradition. But in a round about way it does fit. Follow me on this....wine fridge to put wine into which is made from grapes which is a fruit...see perfect sense! We have to figure out which one we want and go get...maybe this weekend?...but that is okay. Doesn't have to be on the exact day!

Hopefully next year we will have a little addition to our family and we will trying to get our nice dinner out in before they wake up! Can't wait for that.

"All Clear!"

I got the all clear from Dr. P. No polyps...thank God! So we are a go so far for IVF #2...next step is baseline next week. If all is well...and it should be...I start estrogen priming on the 10th. This is part of the new protocol. I need to go consult Dr. Google but my basic understanding is that it will help boast my estrogen levels and give some better quality eggs. Of course I could be completely wrong about this. I need to google.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. Hard to believe that it has been 4 years. Be on the look out for a new pic....right over there------------->>>>>>>>>>>>

And of course the 4th of July is right around the corner. Our first here at Lejeune...so looking forward to the fireworks. We have heard that they are amazing here...so excited!

Got to love a change in plans

Well that saline sonogram is now Wednesday...fab. Do I sound happy?

And so it begins again....

I started birth control pills (BCP) for IVF #2 yesterday. So that means I am currently taking three medications all at the same time that make no sense. Pre-natal vitamins (umm...not even pregnant?), DHEA (a lovely generally male supplement that could cause excess facial hair and a deeper voice...great!) and now BCP (am I not trying to get pregnant???). It just seems like such an odd combination. I can only imagine what some random person would say upon walking into my kitchen...um, okay she has these three medications...what the hell?

Honestly though....I am just not "feeling" this cycle. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. I feel a bit "out-of-body"....like I can see and know that I am taking that BCP but it just does not seem real. I know the dates but they seem so far away. I actually have an appointment for a saline sonogram on Tuesday and it feels like it is weeks away. (More on that in a minute.) I just cannot explain it.

So the whole saline sonogram thing. Remember back in January...I had to have one. Dr. P said my landing zone was perfect. I was so blissfully happy...one more milestone that I achieved! I had perfect hormone levels (so laughable now) and a perfect landing zone for my little embryos...but yet even perfect does not work. So anywho...back to this upcoming saline sonogram. For my last two cycles (which are almost exactly, perfectly 28 days apart...whatever) I have had mid-cycle spotting. Normally most people would freak out about this but for me this NEVER happens...never. I have never had any spotting in my entire life. I have nice regular cycles that come every 28 days or so (always within 1-2 days)...my period last about 2 full days...never heavy. (Well except for right after the last IVF...holy crap was that not fun!) So when this happened the first time, I kind of blew it off as just a fluke thing. But last month it happened again and was a bit more.....TMI ALERT!!!!!.....with lots of clots. Well, that prompted me to call Nurse Dori. I honestly thought she would tell me I was over-reacting and that it was nothing....but nope, she freaked me out. She said she wanted me to do another saline sonogram and check the "landing zone"...she and Dr. P are concerned that I may have a polyp. For fuck's sake...can I not get a fucking break? So what would this mean...well, my IVF cycle would be canceled and I would have to have surgery to remove it. For crying out loud! It would push our IVF back by several months...I don't have several months. And that just makes me so depressed.

And why don't I have months? Because the Navy says so. The reality is that my husband is at the top of the list for the next deployment. Even if I get pregnant with this IVF...he will probably not be here for the birth of his only child(ren). While I know will handle it with grace and beauty (okay maybe not so much beauty..lol), it does make me sad for him. But I have been okay with all of this because he will here during the whole IVF procedure. I want him to be here that...I want him around to take care of me. If this whole thing gets pushed back...there is a chance that he won't be around. Sure we can freeze sperm samples and just use those but I really want him to be the one who holds my hand while I am getting my IV...the one I get to joke around with while Dr. P is getting ready to put back our embryos, not anybody else...not that I would not be appreciative of whomever gets that special job. You see, with deployments comes training...lots of training. Training that would mean BJ would be away for weeks at a time preparing for the 6 months away. The Navy would not care that we were trying to get pregnant...and why should they? They will not say "oh...your wife is getting knocked out to get knocked up? sure go be her."...they need him to be 100% ready to get deployed, regardless of what is going on in our lives. That is life in the Navy...take it or leave it. But honestly we love this life and after many long discussions about it...it is what it is. I will be okay...I just don't have to be excited about the prospect.

So the "summer o' fun" continues for now. We just back from visiting Washington state. It was a really nice week for us...not weather wise but hey that is Seattle right? We took a few days and visited areas that BJ had never been to before. Whidbey Island and the San Juans...a ferry ride (twice!), can you believe my husband had never been on the ferries in Washington state? Apparently in all the times we had been there before we never managed to make it onto a ferry. Poor guy! We also went to Leavenworth. It is this adorable Bavarian town right on the other side of the Cascades. It was a blast walking around the town...in and out of all the shops. Every shop looks like it was moved there from Germany...even the Starbucks and Cold Stone Creamery! We even had a Germany lunch of bratwurst, sauerkraut and sauerbraten. Very yummy!

Needless to say though...we were happy to get back to the hot NC weather...it never got over 70 degrees the whole week we were in Seattle. We even had to buy jackets because we neglected to pack them! And I spent most of the week wearing the one..yes one!...pair of jeans that I brought with me. I had packed mostly shorts...the extended forecast had said it would be mid 70's for highs. Oh well! But we are home now and I am loving the almost 100 degree weather here...even when we had to attend the Change of Command ceremony...in 95+ degrees and impending thunderstorms. Bring it on NC!

I Love Shoes!

When you are a chunky size girl...shoes are your best friend. No matter if I gain or lose 10 pounds...my shoe size stays the same. And I love heels!

I went looking for a pair of brown heels to wear with a brown dress that I recently got. During my search...I found these. They are stunning. It might be hard to tell but the color is pewter and the stones are shades of gray and clear. The heel height is high but not staggering and I just love the peep toe. I am thinking that I am going to wear them to my uncle's wedding...with my pink dress. I am in love! And they are actually comfy to walk in...I walked all over the store in them for about 5 minutes.

Oh and I did get brown wedges for the brown dress, too. ;)

99 Things

I saw this on another blog and loved it...very cool to see what I have done (or not done!) over the course of my life. What I have done is red!


1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegatables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone Rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Effel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone Whale Watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Save a favorite childhood toy
70. Vistied the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Publish a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stanger at midnight on NYE
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Gotten a tatoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swan in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee