Monday, August 23, 2010

Great Girlfriends

This is bound to be a bit of a sappy post...just be forewarned.

I have the best girlfriends. And what is truly shocking is that some of these women I have only known them for a few months. Yet it feels like I have known them for years...some even feel like sisters. This is partly because of the military. You are forced to put yourself out there and get to know people quickly because they could be moved away in a short time.

So back to these amazing women in my life. When I opened up about our struggles...I am an open-book of course...they offered a hug. Nothing more, nothing less. This was exactly what I needed. They didn't tell me to relax...they didn't tell me to just go adopt. And when 15 people in one week announce they are pregnant...they listen to me through the tears. All because they want to be there for me and support me. While I know they would do anything possible to give me my most wanted gift....they don't make promises that can't be kept. They will be there when my husband cannot be. To hold me hand and dry my tears.

And while they do these all these amazing things, I feel like I offer nothing but tears and bitching. But they are still there. I love them. And you all know who you are. You are the honorary aunties....because of your positive thoughts I know that I am going to get the fantastic gift some day. I know that I will be a mom and you all will be aunties!

Thank you for your amazing friendship!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Back From My Hiatus

Sorry about the lag in posting. I gave myself a bit of a hiatus. I really needed some time to just regroup and figure out what the next plan is. And to be completely all would not have wanted to hear what was being said in my mind. Let's just leave it at...I was really pissed off.

The big update is that we are going to try again in September. It will be an interesting attempt though. BJ is getting eye surgery done in September...and you guessed it...the surgery is currently scheduled during ER/ET week for the IVF cycle. Of freakin' course! So this means that we have to freeze sperm just in case he is not able to make the ER and then I may have beg my besties to help us out. You do realize that with our luck my transfer will be the same day as his surgery. So someone will have to take him to his appointment and someone else will have to drive me to mine. Lovely! But for right now...I will not stress....I will not stress....I will not stress. (I took a yoga class last week and I am feeling pretty you think it's working?)

So what else is new with us???

We celebrated BJ's 35th birthday a week ago. I had asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said (and I quote) "go to the beach and then go to Hakata". For those that don't know Hakata is our local Japanese hibachi restaurant. And so that is exactly what we did. Have I told you all how much I love living near the beach? And I love that my husband is like a kid at the beach. He spends hours searching for shark's can take the dentist to the beach but you can't make him stop thinking about teeth...and he finds the coolest ones. And on this particular day, I caught a glimpse of him helping a little boy look for shark's teeth too. Tears welled up. I want him to be able to do that with his own little boy.

Last night we had our first Navy Dental Corps Birthday Ball. It was a good time and we got to catch up with people we have not seen in awhile and also meet some new faces. I am so looking forward to ball season. And what is ball season, you ask...well it is the most fun ever of course! LOL! Actually ball season is basically the months of October and November here at Camp Lejeune. The Navy's birthday is October 13 and the Marine Corps' birthday is November 12. We have one big Navy ball (since there is not a huge population of Navy personnel here at Lejeune) and then each command for the Marine Corps has one. We will probably have at least 2 balls to attend between October and November. The balls have all the tradition and all the fun. You get to go shopping for a beautiful dress....have a pamper-me day...your husband gets to wear his dress uniform (so sexy!)...and then have a fantastic evening of great food and dancing. And if you are really is held at a hotel out of town and you get to stay overnight! Yay! This is going to be our first ball season and cannot wait!

So that pretty much gets you caught up on what has been going on in our life for the last couple of weeks. Relatively boring right now. But we kind of like it that way!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

IVF #2 canceled

Today is not a happy day. I went in for my second monitoring appt and at this point they only see 4 measurable follies...and 1 of those is that stupid lead follie. The U/S tech saw no other small follies on the right ovary. Stupid ovary.

So with that news, Nurse D said we were looking at canceling this cycle. I am so sad. I had finally gotten to the point where I was getting excited and hopeful and now it is over. I hate this.

But mostly I am sad for BJ. I want him to be able to be a dad. I want him to have those first time dad moments. I feel like my body is failing me. It is my fault that this is not working. I love him with every fiber of my being but I cannot help but think he should be married to someone who can give him children. I have failed as a wife. I cannot fulfill my husband's wish to be a father. And of course when I was bawling my eyes out to him and told him all of this...he was the greatest husband ever. He told me that he only wants to be married to me and we will keep trying. And if it never happens then we still have each other. He is the best. I love him.

So for now...I am going to chill for the afternoon and then it is time for happy hour. I am going to have a drink or five. And I don't care.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Bad Ovaries!

So this morning, at the bright and early hour of 5:00 am, I got on the road to Womack. This drive actually goes very quickly for me...I have my coffee, my tunes and I know the landmarks along the way to mark how close I am. This morning was no different. Piece of cake!

Found a parking spot...which can be a challenge on some mornings...and got checked into at the clinic. I almost felt like I was going back to it was the first day of school. Bloodwork - check. Vitals (weight, blood pressure, temp) - check. Ultrasound - check. And then the blocks tumbled...

I only have 3 measurable follies. (Measurable is defined as any follie over 4mm.) 3. This is worse than the last cycle. Are you fucking kidding me? Unbelievable! While I do have a few follies on my right ovary...they just aren't over 4mm yet...what concerns me the most is that out of those 3, 1 is measuring almost 11mm and the other 2 are around 5-6mm. So in the end I really only have 2 follies right now because that big one will get too big. So right now we are continuing forward. Upping the meds and we go back on Wednesday for another check. Oh and my e2...umm it was 522. I got very excited and then Dori burst my bubble a bit. They expect to see my e2 that high right now because of the estrogen pill I have been taking. Of freakin' course. So I guess I won't really be able to gauge how my e2 is doing since the level is skewed. :/

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Sending out positive thoughts

Tomorrow is our first monitoring appointment for IVF #2. If you look back at my little box about IVF #1, you will see that at our first monitoring appointment I had 9 follies with an e2 of 32. That was after 3 full days of stims. This time it will be after 5 full days of stims. That would equate to my second monitoring...8 follies and e2 of 87. So knowing all of this...I am hoping to be significantly ahead of where I was at that second monitoring. My antral follicle count for this IVF was around 11...I think it was 6 on one side and 5 on the other. I am keeping my fingers crossed for at least 8 follies and an e2 over 100...that would be progress!

So far I have 4 days of stims under my belt and I am feeling a few twinges on the left side. I feel a little bloated...not bad but some clothes are feeling snug. My biggest change is that hope is creeping in! Yes I said it...I am starting to feel hopeful. I am starting to really daydream about what it will be like to see that positive pregnancy test. What I will say to my husband when I call him to tell him the results of the beta. I even want to purchase baby items...but I am refraining from that so far. Okay...I did get my bestie Steph a Beatles onesie. She loves The Beatles and I could not resist. But it was not for me so it does not count....right?

So I am very carefully balancing my hope and wishful thinking with my slap in the face reality. I have not cut out caffeine or alcohol completely but I have cut back. Kinda. I did have 2 iced coffees on Friday afternoon....but one was free. I was saving money. Sorta. But in my hope we went out for sushi on Friday night because I am going to get pregnant and won't be able to eat it for 9 months. See positive thinking! I really want this to work. I want to be a mom....and not just to my dogs. Please God let this work.