Sunday, June 27, 2010

And so it begins again....

I started birth control pills (BCP) for IVF #2 yesterday. So that means I am currently taking three medications all at the same time that make no sense. Pre-natal vitamins (umm...not even pregnant?), DHEA (a lovely generally male supplement that could cause excess facial hair and a deeper voice...great!) and now BCP (am I not trying to get pregnant???). It just seems like such an odd combination. I can only imagine what some random person would say upon walking into my, okay she has these three medications...what the hell?

Honestly though....I am just not "feeling" this cycle. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. I feel a bit "out-of-body" I can see and know that I am taking that BCP but it just does not seem real. I know the dates but they seem so far away. I actually have an appointment for a saline sonogram on Tuesday and it feels like it is weeks away. (More on that in a minute.) I just cannot explain it.

So the whole saline sonogram thing. Remember back in January...I had to have one. Dr. P said my landing zone was perfect. I was so blissfully more milestone that I achieved! I had perfect hormone levels (so laughable now) and a perfect landing zone for my little embryos...but yet even perfect does not work. So anywho...back to this upcoming saline sonogram. For my last two cycles (which are almost exactly, perfectly 28 days apart...whatever) I have had mid-cycle spotting. Normally most people would freak out about this but for me this NEVER happens...never. I have never had any spotting in my entire life. I have nice regular cycles that come every 28 days or so (always within 1-2 days) period last about 2 full days...never heavy. (Well except for right after the last IVF...holy crap was that not fun!) So when this happened the first time, I kind of blew it off as just a fluke thing. But last month it happened again and was a bit more.....TMI ALERT!!!!!.....with lots of clots. Well, that prompted me to call Nurse Dori. I honestly thought she would tell me I was over-reacting and that it was nothing....but nope, she freaked me out. She said she wanted me to do another saline sonogram and check the "landing zone"...she and Dr. P are concerned that I may have a polyp. For fuck's sake...can I not get a fucking break? So what would this mean...well, my IVF cycle would be canceled and I would have to have surgery to remove it. For crying out loud! It would push our IVF back by several months...I don't have several months. And that just makes me so depressed.

And why don't I have months? Because the Navy says so. The reality is that my husband is at the top of the list for the next deployment. Even if I get pregnant with this IVF...he will probably not be here for the birth of his only child(ren). While I know will handle it with grace and beauty (okay maybe not so much, it does make me sad for him. But I have been okay with all of this because he will here during the whole IVF procedure. I want him to be here that...I want him around to take care of me. If this whole thing gets pushed back...there is a chance that he won't be around. Sure we can freeze sperm samples and just use those but I really want him to be the one who holds my hand while I am getting my IV...the one I get to joke around with while Dr. P is getting ready to put back our embryos, not anybody else...not that I would not be appreciative of whomever gets that special job. You see, with deployments comes training...lots of training. Training that would mean BJ would be away for weeks at a time preparing for the 6 months away. The Navy would not care that we were trying to get pregnant...and why should they? They will not say "oh...your wife is getting knocked out to get knocked up? sure go be her."...they need him to be 100% ready to get deployed, regardless of what is going on in our lives. That is life in the Navy...take it or leave it. But honestly we love this life and after many long discussions about is what it is. I will be okay...I just don't have to be excited about the prospect.

So the "summer o' fun" continues for now. We just back from visiting Washington state. It was a really nice week for us...not weather wise but hey that is Seattle right? We took a few days and visited areas that BJ had never been to before. Whidbey Island and the San Juans...a ferry ride (twice!), can you believe my husband had never been on the ferries in Washington state? Apparently in all the times we had been there before we never managed to make it onto a ferry. Poor guy! We also went to Leavenworth. It is this adorable Bavarian town right on the other side of the Cascades. It was a blast walking around the and out of all the shops. Every shop looks like it was moved there from Germany...even the Starbucks and Cold Stone Creamery! We even had a Germany lunch of bratwurst, sauerkraut and sauerbraten. Very yummy!

Needless to say though...we were happy to get back to the hot NC never got over 70 degrees the whole week we were in Seattle. We even had to buy jackets because we neglected to pack them! And I spent most of the week wearing the one..yes one!...pair of jeans that I brought with me. I had packed mostly shorts...the extended forecast had said it would be mid 70's for highs. Oh well! But we are home now and I am loving the almost 100 degree weather here...even when we had to attend the Change of Command 95+ degrees and impending thunderstorms. Bring it on NC!

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