Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Am A Terrible Blogger.

Really terrible.

Maybe it is because I am now trying to keep up with a baby. And I am sure it does not help that as of right now I am doing it alone.

I am blessed that Madison is sleeping through the night but when I get her into bed...anywhere from 7pm to 8pm...then it is time to straighten up the chaos that has happened from the day. And after an hour of that, I am d.o.n.e.! But I would not change this predicament for anything in the world. I love my little distraction more than words can ever explain.

She is getting to a really fun age now. Past the tiny baby stage where all they do is cry and sleep and poop and give you an occasional smile that could be totally related to gas. I can say her name and she looks right at me and gets this big grin. She has discovered toys and loves anything that makes noise or music. She truly melts my heart in a way that only a child could.

So we have been pretty busy. Lots of meetings for me which means that Maddie goes to drop-in daycare. The ladies love her there and she seems to like it too. We have gotten to skype a lot with Daddy which is awesome. He may not be here but I feel like he is not missing too much of her life. And he still gets to help us out with things like searching for a good car rental deal for our trip to Seattle. I love that man!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Back In The Saddle

Wow, I can't believe it has been 3 months since I last wrote on this blog! It has been a quick, rough, stressful, amazing time...crazy how such a little baby can change your life so much.

So where to start.....

Madison has been growing like a weed. She is currently 13 1/2 lbs! She has gained 8 lbs in just 3 short months...so hard to believe! She is smiling a ton and just in the last couple of days she has started giggling. So cute!

We took our first family road trip to Pennsylvania to visit family. Maddie did great! We left on Thursday around 7 pm....we had fed her around 6 and then got her into the car. My goal was to at least make it to 9 pm before stopping to feed her. Well little Miss Madison had her own plan...she slept until 11 pm! We got her fed and then back on the road...next stop was at 3 am and then 6 am. We got to BJ's parent's house around 7 am. We had a great visit and the weekend went very quickly.

Our big news is that BJ is now officially deployed. My emotions are all over the place right now but I think as I get used to my new normal things will settle down.

Here are some pics to keep ya happy!

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

Saying goodbye to Daddy

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Madison Claire's Birth Story

I know I left you all hanging...it has been quite the week and a half. Spending a week in the hospital is tiring. I have no idea how they expect a person to get rest when they are constantly fussing over you! So anywho...here is the story of Maddie's birth.

So you already know that my water had broken at 33 weeks 4 days and that the doctors were able to stop my labor successfully and they were getting ready to induce me. So we will start there....

I got to eat breakfast that morning...and even though it was hospital food, it tasted so good. I ate every bit of food...hell I had thought about sending BJ to McD's to get me more! I knew it would be my last meal for awhile. I went with my better judgement and refrained from the McD's...my belly really was full and I had the thought that I may get sick during labor and that would not be good.

So finally it was time to move from antepartum to L&D. I walked there...which was a big deal since the only walking I was allowed at that point was from my bed to my bathroom. We got settled in and hooked up to the monitors. The doctor came in and we talked about the game plan. He was going to start the pitocin out small and go up every 30 minutes. This freaked me out but I put my trust in the doctors that they know how this med works and if it was too much they would hold the pitocin at that level or back it down a little. I kept saying to anyone who would listen that I intended to go med-free and that it was important to me. One of the nurses actually laughed and said "hardly anyone in this hospital goes natural...pretty much all of our patients get an epidural." I have to admit...this pissed me off a little and when everyone left I told BJ that I was serious about not having an epidural and that he needed to be strong for me and talk me through the rough part once we got there. Mind you...he did not make it to our first lamaze class and of course has never been present for a birth...he had no clue about what was about to happen. lol.

BJ and me right before the start of everything!

At around 12:00pm, they started the pitocin. Within about 45 minutes, I started having regular contractions...nothing awful, I was able to talk through them and sent BJ to get some lunch for himself. I was hungry. For the record...he brought back to the room a soda and a bag of M&M's and a package of Reese's PB Cups. I gave him a hard time and told him he was mean. I so wanted those PB Cups! So I spent the afternoon watching TV...all the baby shows on TLC!...and the contractions kept getting more intense as the hours passed but still nothing that I couldn't handle.

The doctor came in around 4 pm and checked me. I was 3 cm and that ticked me off! 4 freaking hours of pitocin and I had not changed a bit! Ugh! So they kept upping my pitocin...and my wonderful husband took a nap! Yes that's right...while I was dealing with contractions and getting ready to give birth to his first child...he took a nap. Complete with snoring! I was so mad but I knew he had not been sleeping well in the hospital with me. The bed that was provided is not exactly comfortable...hell the actual patient beds are not really comfy. You would think they would have the most comfortable beds ever so that the patients could get a good night's sleep but nope.

So anywho...the contractions definitely picked up and I was no longer able to talk through them. I called the nurse and asked for an exercise ball...she found me one. It was the best decision that I had made all day! I used the ball for a good 2 hours straight...I would sway back and forth during contractions and then resting in between. The nurse brought a popcicle...it was the best damn popcicle ever. And I mean ever. But what I really wanted was a cheeseburger. Damn it I was hungry!

Around 7:00pm, I was starting to get really uncomfortable so I kept changing positions...ball, standing, lying in the bed. Rinse and repeat.

At 8:15pm I had the nurse check me again. It had been 4 hours since my last check...which they were not doing a whole lot since my membranes had been ruptured since Tuesday morning. We were trying avoid infections as much as possible. I remembered what the lamaze instructor had said during the one and only class I attended and all the books I had read...I should progress at 1 cm per hour. I expected to be at least 7 cm by now...I was for sure in labor and things were getting intense. In fact at around 7 pm...BJ had asked me if this had all been normal when I would have gone to the hospital. I told me at that point I would have said let's go.

So back to my cervical check...the nurse checked me and I was at 4 cm. Yep...that's right 4 fucking centimeters! I was so angry at my body. It could not do anything right at that point. How could I be having this much pain and be at 4 cm. My attitude at that point was fuck my life. I got through a few more contractions and told BJ that I was done. I could not do this anymore. I was giving up. He asked me at one point what he could do for me. I told him to stop the pitocin, take out my IV and let's go home. I was not ready and it was too early for her to come. He told me he could not do that. I did not like him very much at that point.

Around 8:40pm I asked the nurse what my pain relief options were at that point. She said epidural (of course) or IV meds. After some discussion I decided to do some staidol. Around 8:45pm she administered the med and it definitely did it's job...I was able to sleep/relax/rest between contractions but still had to go through the actual contractions. BJ said I would pass out inbetween and then during each contraction I would wake up and say it hurt. During one contraction (one of the last before she was born) I told him I was for sure done and wanted the epidural. He told me I could do this and just breathe....and I said nope, no more. Around 9:00pm I had made my mind up...I was done with this whole labor thing and I wanted to be out of pain. I wanted the epidural. The nurse left the room to call the nurse anesthestist.

At exactly 9:04pm, I started another contraction...this time I woke up and told BJ that I needed to pee. Throughout the whold labor process I had been able to use the bathroom whenever I needed to so this was a valid request. But I followed that statement up very quickly that I needed to push. BJ freaked. He hit the nurse call button and told her that I was saying I needed to push. She came running in the check me. I was complete (10 cm dialated) and the baby's head was at +2 station...basically just about to come out. She had BJ hit the call button (as her hands were busy holding the baby's head inside me) and got the rest of the doctors in there.

They also paged the NICU team (and as I was told by the NICU nurse a few days later) and told them to come up but they could walk. About 30 seconds later they paged again and said run!

The doctor gave me the okay to push. Two pushes and she was out! Madison Claire was born at 9:09pm...healthy and crying. That was music to our ears since she was 6 weeks early and meant(at least initially) that her lungs were mature and she would not need a whole lot of respiratory assistance. The NICU team did an initial assessment...her Apgar's were 9, 9....can't get much better than that! With in a few minutes they had wrapped her up and quickly gave me a peek at her and then whisked her up to the NICU. BJ went with her...he looked very torn though. I knew he wanted to be there with me but also wanted to go to the NICU with her. I told him to go with her.She is here!

It then took 30-45 minutes to get the placenta delivered. That was so much rougher than giving birth to Maddie. The doctor had to literally put her hand up there and scrap it from the side of my uterus. Apparently it had not received the message that this pregnancy was over! But it did come out and it was intact. They also assesed me and there were no tears! Yay! I got up as soon as they would let me and used the bathroom. A little over an hour after I had her...they moved me back to antepartum. I actually walked on my own! I think I was trying to prove that I was totally okay so that I could go down to the NICU and see my beautiful daughter.

I sent my husband out to McD's for food...they had offered me a dinner but honestly it did not look good to me. I wanted a cheeseburger...and fries. So I ate as quickly as possible and we headed down to the NICU so I sould see my daughter.

She was amazing and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. BJ had to force me to leave after an hour so that I could get some rest. I could have sat in the rocking chair all night with her. It was instant love and I could no longer imagine my life without her in it. So with out further ado...here is my most precious gift.

This was taken about 3 hours after she was born. Not to brag on myself but I look pretty damn good!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Maybe A Baby Today?

No Cinco de Mayo baby girl for us. It is 7 am and still no contractions that mean anything.

The doctor has come in and we have our plan. I love me a plan. In fact I love to have several plans. I am a planner! So here it is...

I am hanging out in the antepartum unit for at least another hour. I get to eat breakfast! Yes!!!! Then we are moving over to L&D. I will get a cervical check and we will then start pitocin. And that is the part that starts to freak me out. I am terrified of pitocin.

I have heard so many horror stories about pitocin and how awful the contractions can be. One of the OBs said at one point "oh it's not a big deal...we can just get you an epidural". Umm...I am trying to avoid that. And of course that sent me into panic...are they just going to do things regardless of what I want?

I had a birth plan before all this happened. And that is now thrown out the window. I wanted to go into labor naturally (hey I did that!!!) and I did not want any meds. I knew I could do it...I had confidence in my body. Until hell broke loose....now I am struggling with the fact that my body is not doing things the way it should be. I should not be having my baby at 34 weeks. My water should not be broken. I should not be confined to a hospital bed.

I am afraid for the potential health of our little girl. Things could be great...but then on the other hand they could be bad. We have been briefed by the neonatologist and have watched a DVD tour of the NICU. I feel confident about them and the unit and the care that Madison will receive. But I am still scared.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Long Awaited Update...

It has been for-evah since I wrote a post. I am not even sure why it has been hard to find time to blog. I do enjoy it and it gives me an outlet for all my feelings...but for some reason it has been hard.

So where have I been? What has been happening since I was last on here?

I have been trodding through pregnancy...just trucking along. April was kind of exciting because I had my baby shower, thrown by a great friend...with a bit of short notice. It was very laid back and a great chance to catch up with friends. And of course...like at most baby showers where a big group of women are together...the conversation turned to child birth and war stories. It was so fun to hear what everyone else has been through.

The only bad part of the day was that a tornado hit our area that evening. We are okay but many families lost their homes and belongings. It is a beautiful thing though to see how the military community comes together to help their own. Just simply amazing how we all just come together to get things done.

We had a laid back Easter with brunch at the O'club with friends. And then a little relaxing in the backyard. Exactly what we needed since we had a busy couple of weeks coming up. I spent part of the day thinking about how next year we would have our little girl with us and how I would dress her up and buy her first Easter basket. How we would go to church that day and then try our hands at a little egg hunting. I can't wait to have all of these firsts with her!

We (well mostly me!) went on a bit of a baby shopping spree. I got all the last little things to finish of the nursery so that we would be prepared for our little one to arrive. I got diapers and diaper cream and a changing pad. I got the last couple of decor items I needed. For some reason I was really feeling the nesting urge...I had to get these things done. I knew we would be busy with a trip to Georgia to see my cousin graduate from sub school and then I would be in the last month of my pregnancy. So I pushed to get everything done...

This past weekend we were productive around the house and then took some time on Sunday to head to the beach for the first time this year. It was a wonderfully relaxing day and just what we needed. We also got maternity photos taken on Saturday...and I can't wait to see them! BJ prepared on Sunday evening to do a field training for 3 days. He was going to be gone from Monday morning until Wednesday evening...and then we were leaving on Thursday for Georgia. So he had to get packed for both trips because he would not have time when he got home. I woke up briefly with him Monday morning and said goodbye.

I spent my Monday trying to treat my sunburned legs...umm yea I got a bit too much sun on Sunday. I ran over to the hospital on base to pick up a copy of my OB records to take on our trip...just in case...and then headed to my first lamaze class. After that I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some vinegar and milk of magnesia for some home remedies to treat my sunburn. I also stopped by McDonalds for a cheeseburger :::hangs head in shame::: which is pretty much my only pregnancy craving. And just because...I also got a cheeseburger for my puppies!

I got home and coated my legs in m.o.m. and chowed down on my burger. I watched some TV and then headed to bed. And then hell broke loose.

At 4:45 am I woke up needing to use the bathroom. This had become a norm for me since Madison had turned head down and was constantly pushing on my bladder. As I swung my feet off the bed and sat up...I felt a gush. I could not believe that I was peeing my pants...pregnancy was no longer fun at that point! Oh and thank God my husband was not home to witness this less than joyful part of pregnancy. So I waddled to the bathroom trying not to pee on our carpet and as soon as I made it to the bathroom there was another huge gush. Embarrassment set in hard.

I made it to the toilet and peed. A lot. And kept peeing. I sat there in amazement that my bladder could hold that much liquid. And did I really drink that much liquid??? But I did go to the bathroom before I went to bed. What the hell was going on? What strange bladder issue was I having?

I grabbed a towel and put it between my legs and let my dogs out to go potty themselves. They must have thought I was crazy for letting them out at that hour. I walked back upstairs and put some clean clothes on. I put clean undies on with a big ol' pad (Thanks to a friend who had given me hers that were left over from the birth of her own daughter a few months ago!) it was soaked within minutes. I used a second one before I even went back downstairs. As I was walking down the stairs...it hit me. Could it possibly be my water that broke? No way...I was only 33 weeks pregnant. That is way to early.

So here I was soaking through pads, husband not home, and trying to figure out whether or not my water broke. I called my friend Karen (her husband is a family practice doctor and has delivered babies himself) and asked what it was like when your water broke. We talked for only a couple of minutes and she said I will come pick you up. I called BJ and told him what was going on but told him not to leave his training until I got to the hospital and made sure about what was going on. I was still not 100% convinced that it was my water.

Karen got there and we headed to the hospital...I brought nothing with me other than my purse because it could not possibly be something that would require me staying at the hospital. We pulled up and I got out of the car...more gushing of fluid that streamed down my leg. Lovely. At least it was not in Karen's car! So I got wheeled to L&D Triage. I got all settled into a bed and the triage nurse checked the fluid.

Yep...it was confirmed...my water had indeed broke. I was 33 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Definitely not ideal. Amazingly I did not freak out. But the nurse started whirling around...within a minute I had an IV and was getting a shot of steroids to help mature Madison's lungs. The OB that was on-call came in and talked with me. My best option at that point was to get transported to a hospital an hour away from home. But he also told me that my own OB was on her way in to cover the floor and do a scheduled c-section. So we decided to just chill a bit while we waited for her. I had also called BJ back and told hom what was going on...he left training immediately but it took almost 2 hours for him to get there because of the crazy morning traffic to get on base.

My OB came in and she was just as shocked as I was. She had just checked me barely a week before and my cervix was closed tight. She went ahead and checked me...I was dilated to 2 cm. She checked me about 30 minutes later...because I was having regular contractions and I was at 3 cm and she could stretch me to 4 if she wanted to. Not good news...this baby girl was coming. There was a bit of a debate as to whether or not we should still transport. There was a risk that I could deliver while in transit. We decided to go ahead with it because our baby needed access to the Level 3 NICU and the Naval Hospital only has a Level 2. So off we went in the ambulance. The ride was bumpy and I was contracting every 2-3 minutes and they were getting more intense and lasting longer. At one point they turned on the lights and sirens. But we made it with me still pregnant.

I got checked in at the new hospital and the checked me again...definitely 3 cm maybe even 4. They started me on a med to stop the contractions...at this point the goal was to get me to the next steroid shot and as close to 34 weeks exactly.

So here we are today...I am 33 weeks 6 days pregnant. I have had both steroid shots and they have stopped the med to prevent contractions. We are now in a waiting game. I could go back into labor at any time...but have not as of yet. Tomorrow at exactly 34 weeks the doctors will be starting an induction. This means pitocin...which scares the crap out of me and while they are somewhat vague as to the plan after that...it looks like I will be a mommy to a preemie baby by the weekend. At this point they are more concerned with the risk of infection than her being born early. But I am on antibiotics to prevent infections so that is good.

I am still in complete shock that I will have a baby in a matter of days or hours. I was supposed to be pregnant until June. I was concerned about the fact that I washed onesies that were for a baby 5-8 lbs and thought there was no way she would ever wear them and it was a waste of money. I actually thought that I should return them because of that. I guess not.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Good News And Bad News

It has been an interesting couple of weeks around here. I totally forgot to do my weekly update last Friday...and to be honest I am thinking of stopping it. Things are really not going to change much over the next 11 weeks until I actually have this baby. So I think instead of weekly updates I will just include a "how am I doing"in posts here and there. So as of right now...I am doing good. I am still on target with my weight gain. I weighed myself last Friday and I was +8 total...yesterday I weighed myself and I was at +6. My goal has always been about 20 lbs and it seems like I am target for that. Baby is moving around a ton and seems to like to stretch out. Ouch!

So my good news.....

I have officially passed my 3 hour glucose tolerance test. I do not have gestational diabetes! That is a huge relief for me. I did fail one of the blood draws but you have to fail at least 2 to be diagnosed with GD. Phew!

I also had my ultrasound to check on my low-lying placenta. It has moved! It was about 1 cm away from cervix at the anatomy scan (it needs to be at least 2 cm away) and now it is over 9 cm away. Yay! This means that I do not have to have a planned c-section. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This little girl is also weighing in at 3 lbs and 1 oz...right on track in the 63rd percentile.

She is also a stubborn little girl already. As with all of the previous u/s...she was very still in there. She literally turns into a statue and the only way you know she is okay is that you can see/hear her heart beating. The only move she made the whole time was to shake head back and forth like she was saying no when the u/s tech took a break for a minute and then started again. It made it very difficult to get pictures of her face and left us with some pretty craptastic pics. I am not even sure there are fit for public viewing! She and I are going to have a long talk when she gets here about how much she will be getting her picture taken. lol.

So onto the bad news....

We found out earlier this week that BJ will be deploying sometime in the fall. We don't have any specific dates nor will I will giving them out once we do know. But he will be playing in a giant sandbox for about 6-7 months. We knew this was coming so it is not a surprise by any means. He volunteered to go and I am so proud of him for doing that. He was giddy when he told me...although I know there is that part of him that is sad that he will miss seeing Maddie grow and change as an infant. The best part of it is that I have a great support system here. Our friends have been there/done that and have already said that they will be there to help us out no matter what. That is my favorite thing about being a military family! You have instant friends who know what you are going through. Even though our families will be there for us...they really don't know what it is like.

So he might get a deployment buddy as well. One of our friends might be deploying during the same time...to the same place. I think that would be awesome for both of them to have a friend there that you can hang out with during down times and I will have that friend's wife to hang out with here. Another friend's husband is getting ready to deploy very soon as well and he will be over there during the same time...lots of friends going through all the same feelings.

So all in all...lots of exciting news and changes going on in our house over the next 6-12 months!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Weekly Update!

How Far Along: 27 weeks and 1 day! Hello 3rd trimester!
How Big is The Baby: According to most websites, she weighs about 2 lbs and is about 14-15 inches long.
Total Weight Gain: +7 pounds
Maternity Clothes: Yes...and I am missing some of my regular clothes!
Sleep: Pretty much the same...although I noticed in the last couple of days that I am back to waking up in the middle of the night to pee. Joy.
GENDER: It's a girl! And I hope it does not change because we have done lots of prep for a girl and I am not sure our son would enjoy a pink room. LOL!
Movement: Lots of movement going on now...and BJ is able to feel her move pretty regularly. So cool!
Food Cravings: Pretty much the same as before...
What I Miss: I was bummed to not be able to enjoy a Guinness on St. Paddy's Day....but I will get over it.
What I'm looking forward to: Follow up ultrasound is this coming week...this will also be a growth scan since I am measuring 3 weeks ahead.
Milestones: We have entered the 3rd trimester...only 13 weeks to go!
Symptoms: Still the same...pelvic bone hurts, I have heartburn. Yay!

Thursday, March 17, 2011


While we were out last night for our normal Wednesday night happy hour and dinner, we saw a friend (he is active duty) whose wife is currently working out of town. It got me to thinking...how would our spouses who are active duty; and are normally the ones leaving us at home, do if the roles were reversed?

For my own personal situation...I think the hubby would do okay. While we have yet to go through an actual deployment, we have spent some time apart...not a lot but some. Really the longest we have gone without seeing each other was when he went to ODS. He was gone for 5 weeks...and to be honest, it went fast and (gasp!) I did not miss him too much. (Don't get me wrong...I did miss him but I was never distraught. Well except for when I got in an accident that totaled my car...2 days after he left...and then almost killed our dogs 2 days after that. Take those away and I was perfectly normal!)

So back to the hubby....

My husband is quite possibly every wife's dream. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he does yardwork. If I was not here for more than a month I would come home to a clean house and he certainly would have made most of his own meals. As much as he loves me...he would be totally okay without me around for a period of time. Does that sound bad? Each of us could be perfectly fine by ourselves for well over a month....weird. But I do realize how lucky I am to have him as my husband. If it was not for him during this pregnancy, we would starve or be spending a crazy amount of money on take out. I am not a cook...never claimed to be....and well, he loves to cook. And no his meals do not just consist of mac and cheese or pb&j. He makes things like filets with grilled onions and blue cheese, chicken francese, veal marsala and let's not get me started on his risotto. Yum!

He is way more picky...some would say anal or obsessive...about how the house looks. Truly, I am a bit of a clean freak...I like things to be straightened up. But my wonderful hubby takes things to a whole new level. He literally cannot leave the house if it is messy. And when he gets on a roll (we refer to this a Hurricane BJ)...you really just have to get out of his way. I will honest...when he is in this mode...I stay out of the way. It makes me look really lazy but if I interfere he gets frustrated.

I relay this story frequently to our friends of the 2+ years that I did not vacuum.

We were spending part of a Saturday cleaning our tiny apartment and we were both working in different areas. I had finished what I was doing and pulled out the vacuum to start on that. He stopped dead in his tracks and asked what I was doing. I told him that I was getting ready to vacuum the carpets. He got really defensive and said that he was going to vacuum and told me not to do it. I looked at him with a puzzled look and we went back and forth for a minute about which one of us was going to vacuum. In the end I wound the cord back up and put the vacuum back...I then told him "that is the last time you will see me touch that vacuum." Technically I never did touch that particular vacuum ever again because by the time I did any other vacuuming...we had gotten a new one! And I have to say...he was completely okay with that. Now he latest thing is that he likes to mop the floors. I was going to do it one day and he said "no I am going to do it." I have learned to just throw my hands up and let him do it. Life is just easier that way.

So yeah...knowing all of that...I think if I were the one that deployed, he would be more than okay. Hell, I even think he could handle all of that and a infant! He is just awesome like that. :)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Can You Say Lots Of Driving?

I just got done adding up the milage for all my trips back and forth from Womack. For the record it is about 115 miles each way. Let me start by saying I spent a lot of time on the road. I know the way from here to Womack like the back of my hand. And I am forever indebted to Dr. P and Nurse D for helping to get me pregnant. If I had to do it all over again, I would.

So the grand total of miles traveled is...................

5060 miles!!!!

Holy smokes that is a lot of driving. That was 22 round trips there and back. I sure hope that will help us out on taxes...maybe adding that to our $14,000 worth of medical expenses will put us over the edge!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

You Are Kidding Right?

Okay quickly...because I forgot to update on Friday...I am still trucking along. I am up officially 6 pounds (7 by the OB's office). Maddie is moving like crazy now...and BJ got to feel her move! My OB appt was good and bad...I am doing great with weight gain and HBP but I am measuring 3 weeks ahead and the OB is concerned (going to get to that in a minute). My pubic bone is still hurting me but the brace helps somewhat. BJ and I took the pups for a walk last night and I wore the brace...I still was in pain but I can't imagine how much it would have hurt had I not been wearing it. So onto the big news....

Like I said, I measured 3 weeks ahead at my OB appt. Most of the time it would not be a huge red flag but with having done IVF...my EDD is exact and not a guess. We know exactly how far along I am, there is no guessing. When Dr. E. looked back at all my ultrasound scans and never once has this little girl measured big. In fact at my anatomy scan she was measuring spot on! So what does all this mean? It is a indicator of gestational diabetes. Well...crap.

To be honest, I have at least 3 risk factors. I was overweight before getting pregnant, my mom is a Type 2 diabetic, and I am over 35. I am blaming myself a bit...I should have lost weight (and lots of it) before I started my IVF procedures. I wish we would have started sooner.

So here are the details...at my appt last week (the one where I was measuring 3 weeks ahead) my OB said that she wanted me to get my glucose test done. Sooner rather than later were her exact words. As we were walking out of the exam room, she asked when I was going to get it done. I tentatively said "this week?"...she said "good." So on Thursday, I had some time to kill in the afternoon so I decided to run up to the hospital and do it. I was not thrilled by any means...I mean really it is voluntarily getting stuck with a needle. We all know that I am not a fan. At all.

So I drank my lovely glucola (yum orange flavor...notice the sarcasm here.) and waited my required hour. When the time was up I got my blood drawn...and yes I cried like a baby. As soon as my behind got in that chair. And to make it oh so much better...there were about 8 corpsmen watching me cry like a baby. Fabulous.

I was going to just wait it out until my OB called with the results by a friend of ours said the results should be available with a day or so. So I called yesterday to get the results and the nurse willingly provided them to me. My level came back at 140. Now prior to getting these results I (of course) googled GD. It seemed that some cutoffs were 130 or 135 but most seemed to be around 140. So when I heard that number I knew it was not good. So I asked to leave a message for my doctor.

Yesterday evening I got the call from Dr. E. and she confirmed that the cutoff at Navy Hospital is 140...and I am right at that cusp. She decided that since I am measuring big and my number is so close...she wants me to do the 3 hour test. This involves fasting the night before and then going to the lab first thing in the morning. I get 4 blood draws and have to stay there the entire 3 hours. Great. This lab is going to never want to see me again. Oh and in case you were wondering...they cannot just do a heplock IV line and draw from there.

I hate needles.

On a positive note...Dr. E. does not want this test done until I am at least 28 weeks...so I have about a 2 week reprieve. Phew! Although that gives me 2 weeks to stress about it.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Time For The Weekly Update

It's Friday and it's weekly update time! I have had quite the week when it comes to pain. I was finally able to get in with my OB yesterday and after lots of q&a and a brief exam, she told me I have pelvic symphsis separation. All I can say about it is OUCH! There is not much they can do other than me giving birth. Um...yea...don't want to do that for another 13-15 weeks. So anywho, it is is what it is and I will figure out a way to get through it. I can do this right?

How Far Along:
25 weeks today
How Big is The Baby: She is weighing about 1 3/4 lbs...and she has gained about an inch in length.
Total Weight Gain: +5 pounds
Maternity Clothes: yep! And a pregnancy support belt ;)
Sleep: Actually it has been better this week...I bought a special pillow that is supposed to help!
GENDER: It's a girl!
Movement: Lots more movement this week, but she still goes completely motionless when BJ puts his hand on my belly. He likes to think that she just loves her daddy already and does not want to kick him. lol
Food Cravings: Cheeseburgers! OMG I could eat one every day.
What I Miss: I am missing my regular clothes...as the weather is getting warmer around here, I see my normal clothes hanging in my closet and I am kind of bummed to not be able to wear them.
What I'm looking forward to: I have my next OB early in the week...yay! We also have a busy month of March with all kinds of social events...wine tasting (aka food tasting for me), basket bingo, St. Pat's party and a couple of others!
Milestones: No big milestones this week.
Symptoms:I have been official diagnosised with pelvic symphysis separation...not fun and not much to be done to help it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Want Another Baby

...not one to replace this precious girl that is growing inside of me right now but a sibling for her.

I have struggled with this feeling since our ET. We only had our one little Nemo to put back. The chances that we would have more than one baby from that one embryo was very slim. Hell the chance that I would actually get pregnant was extremely slim. So why I am not just happy with that? I mean I am...but I'm not.

I feel sad that Madison will grow up as an only child. She will never know what her dad and I had with our siblings. Will she resent us? Will she blame me for not having a brother or sister? The answers to those questions terrify me.

My sadness turns to jealousy though. I am jealous of those that were able to put 2 or 3 embryos back and are now pregnant with more than one baby. I am jealous of those that have frozen embryos to use in the future. I am jealous of those that are younger and have years of chances to have more children. I am jealous of those that get pregnant so easily.

My reality is that I am 38 years old...not sure if I have ever given my exact age here...and time is slipping away from me. My husband is not really on board with doing more IVF's to have a second child. Mainly because of how difficult it was to get here...I just don't produce many eggs and out of 3 (well kind of 2 1/2) cycles we only had 8 eggs retrieved and only 2 embryos that made it to transfer. Not very good odds at all. And by the time I get to the point where we are ready to go through another IVF cycle, I will be at least 39. Let's get real...there is no way that I will try to get pregnant before Madison turns 1. Even if I did it a bit earlier...it certainly would not be before she is 6 months old. This makes me sad.

I wish all the time that we had more than our 1 embryo to put back. Of course that doesn't mean I would be pregnant with multiples...it is all just a crap shoot. But we would have had a chance. There are times that it is so hard to hear about those that are having twins...I am jealous. And don't even get me started about finding out that they are having a boy and a girl. That crushes me.

I wish that we had frozen embryos to use later on. I have none. I was lucky that we had 1 embryo even make it to transfer and that it stuck. I would give my left arm to have even just 1 embryo waiting for me on ice. But nothing. Nada. Zip. And to be honest this one pisses me off. Not at anyone in particular but at myself. Why couldn't my body produce tons of eggs? Why is that someone else, on a lesser amount of stims ends up with 20-something eggs? And out of that number they have double digit embryos to choose from and they are still woe-is-me? Fuck them.

Um...that was nasty...sorry.

I hate that I am 38 and my fertility is crappy. I wish I could go back in time. Back to when I had years of possible fertility ahead of me. I want to be able to have this baby and try for another one in a couple of years. Hell I would do it even at this age if my chances were better. But they are not. And I am never going to be young again.

I try really hard to not dwell on things that I have no control over. I know that I should feel very blessed to have this one beautiful little girl in my life. I am. I really am. I just love her so much already that I want to have another one.

Monday, February 28, 2011

My Birth Plan

I have an idea of what I want to happen when I give birth to my daughter. I also realize that things don't always go as planned...

I have a terrible fear of needles. Have you read any of my posts during my IVF cycles? It took a ton of strength and willpower for me to give myself twice daily injections for 2 weeks straight and then to follow up with a fantastic trigger shot to the ass. I loved it! (Insert rolling eyes here...) And because I have this fear...I want to avoid any and all needles that I can while in labor.

Obviously, some needles cannot be avoided while in labor or giving birth to a baby. If I have to have a c-section, it is inevitable. I'm not that crazy to think that one could go through that without any needles. Duh! But I do not want an epidural if I don't need one. And I will be honest...I am terrified of having one. Like scared shitless!

I can totally do this! I know that....without a doubt. But most people seem to disagree. I have no problem with those that have had epidurals...I guess it is just my normal "to each their own" attitude. I try really hard to not judge others decisions in their own life. I just wish people would do the same for me. I cannot tell you how many other women have said "you have to get an epidural" like I don't have any other option. I do try to defend myself but mostly it is just answered with "you cannot give birth without it" or "there is no way you will be able to handle the pain". My new comeback is "well, when you give birth to my child...you can get your epidural". Period. End of subject.

My husband supports my decision and knows that I am free to change my mind at any point. And he knows that when I say I want an epidural that I am not being weak or ready to give up. It means that I am serious and things have changed for me.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Weekly Update!

How Far Along: 24 weeks (and 1 day)
How Big is The Baby: She is weighing about 1 1/2 lbs...length varies from source to source but still anywhere from 8-12 inches.
Total Weight Gain: +3pounds
Maternity Clothes: yep!
Sleep: Not sleeping that great...I am struggling with some pain from my pelvic bones being out of alignment
GENDER: It's a girl!!!
Movement: Still feel her every day...so far BJ has not been able to feel her move though.
Food Cravings: No true cravings this week...but when I get hungry, it's serious!
What I Miss: I would love to kick back with a glass of wine right now.
What I'm looking forward to: I am really hoping my OB can get me hooked up with a chiropractor and fix my pelvic bones. :/
Milestones: At 24 weeks...baby girl has a 50% chance of surviving if born now. It is referred to as Viability Day!
Symptoms: I have been having terrible pain in my pubic bone area. The only way to describe it would be the feeling of having lots of crazy, wild sex...which I have not had. There is no comfortable position...sitting, standing, lying down all hurt to some degree. My OB (who happens to have a D.O. medical degree) adjusted me last week. My hip bones were off by 2 inches! It felt a bit better as far as immediate walking but the pain never really went away. I finally called yesterday after suffering through this another week and she is trying to get me in with a chiropractor to have weekly adjustments. What sucks the most is that the only thing I can take is Tylenol.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Getting Involved!

So this is going to be totally not baby related! Shocking!

BJ and I were at the O'club last night for our normal happy hour..we go every Wednesday. It also happened to be the OWC Happy Hour. Only 4 ladies (besides myself and K...she also comes to HH every Wednesday) showed up but the 6 of us sat at a table and chit-chatted. I always love to just sit and hang out with girlfriends!

So the conversation turned to the OWC board for the upcoming year. Our current president was there and I mentioned that I would like to get involved more. I just was not sure how or where I would fit in. We started talking about available board positions and I decided to throw my hat in the ring for one of them.

So this morning...I emailed the powers that be and said I would like to take on the historian position. I would be responsible for documenting the year's events in pictures. How fun is that? It just means that I have to go to the events...which I already do....take pictures...which I enjoy doing and we even bought a new camera recently!...and then getting them published on the website. I can do this!

And I think it is something I can do with a small baby. Maddie will be a year old by the time the year is up and when things truly get rolling, she will be about 3 months old. So I will be more comfortable putting her in the drop-in daycare on base. I tend to preach the idea that you have to put yourself out there and get involved if you want to make a difference and now I am taking my own advice!

Friday, February 18, 2011

My Weekly Update!

I know, I know...I missed a week. We were in Seattle for about a week and I decided not to take my laptop. And I am not adept at posting on my blog from my phone. I have a phone that should be able to that but I have never tried and honestly have no desire to try and type out a blog post on my phone. Talk about a pain in the ass!

We had a great time though and I ate lots of yummy food that I just can't get in North Carolina. I also spent a whole day with my mom shopping for this little girl. :) We went to a boutique store that carries the stroller that we want and test drove 2 strollers that we were deciding between. The store has such cute stuff and if we lived there I would end up spending lots of money there! We also hit up Old Navy and Gymboree. And that is where we found her little swimsuit for this summer...yay!

Since we live so close to the beach...this was an important task. We also had specific criteria for said swimsuit....I wanted a 2 piece for easy diaper changes, BJ wanted a suit that covered as much of her skin as possible to protect her from getting a sunburn. The suit I found fits both requests! It is a 2 piece and the top is a rash guard so it is like a t-shirt. And I found a matching hat! She will be looking adorable out at the beach this summer!

So onto the weekly update....

How Far Along:
23 weeks today!
How Big is The Baby: According to the books she should weigh over a pound by now and anywhere between 8 and 11 inches long.
Total Weight Gain: +3pounds....I know I am going to gain weight but this makes me a little sad. I guess all the yummy food I ate while visiting Seattle was not the best idea. :/
Maternity Clothes: yep!
Sleep: Sleep has been an issue this past couple of weeks...our trip was rough on me for sleep and the few days we have been home I have not slept that great.
GENDER: It's a girl!!! Although I will be honest...I am freaked out that the u/s tech was wrong. I have heard a few stories lately about people being told one gender and the baby was actually the other.
Movement: I feel her at least once a day but usually a few times a day. During one of our flights home, I actually saw my belly move! Has not happened since though.
Food Cravings: I guess you could call it a craving but I had 2 food requests while we were in Seattle. Taco Time and Burgermaster. I had them both.
What I Miss: Nothing too bad right now.
What I'm looking forward to: We are painting the nursery this weekend and all of her furniture and bedding has arrived so after the room is painted we will get everything in it's place!
Milestones: At my OB appointment this week, the doctor used the measuring tape to measure my belly for the first time! I am measuring 1 week ahead....hopefully that means she will be a nice healthy weight!
Symptoms: Nothing different...still have heartburn....still hate Tums.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My Weekly Update

Oops...I forgot to do this yesterday. I am going to blame it on my FB friends that have gotten me hooked on Oregon Trail. Thanks ladies!

We are now on the down slope of pregnancy. Things are going well and staying very low-key. Like that! We purchased our furniture and some of it has already arrived at JC Penney...we just have to go pick it up. Hopefully that will happen later today when BJ gets home from duty. :) We are waiting to hear from the property owners if we can paint the room the color we want. The room has to get painted regardless because the walls are scuffed (that was done before we moved in) but it would great if we could do a color we like. Fingers crossed!

So without further ado......

How Far Along:
21 weeks (and 1 day today)
How Big is The Baby: She is about 3/4 of a pound and the length of a carrot.
Total Weight Gain: only about 1 pound lighter than when I started...the weight is starting to creep on.
Maternity Clothes: yes but still able to wear some non-maternity tops.
Sleep: I am waking up at least once a night to pee...whoever said that decreases during the 2nd trimester lied.
GENDER: It's a girl!!!
Movement: Finally! I felt the first tap on Sunday while I was driving...I was not sure it was real at first but this tapping has happened at least once a day every day since then. And she likes to play in the middle of the night...she woke me up (although I did have to pee) at about 3 am the other night. Gonna have to work on her schedule!
Food Cravings: Breakfast foods! :)
What I Miss: I was missing deli meat...so I cheated and had some.
What I'm looking forward to: Traveling to Seattle to visit my family! I am so excited to see everyone.
Milestones: She is moving!
Symptoms: I am peeing more often (way more than I did during the 1st tri) and still dealing with heartburn. Still hate Tums.

Monday, January 31, 2011

I Was That Girl Today.

I had the wonderful task of getting my friend Christa to her FET today. I was so happy to be able to help her out and be a source of support. You see Christa lives in Connecticut and our mutual RE (the fabulous Dr. P) is here in beautiful North Carolina. Since she was only flying in for 2 days...I offered for her to stay with me and that I would drive her to her appointment. (She had to take Valium beforehand so she was not going to be able to drive herself.)

So we leave the house and embark on our 2 1/2 hour drive...with a short pitstop to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. I was pretty darn proud of myself for getting her there on time! Unfortunately there was a hold up at the hospital and Dr. P was delayed for over an hour. Thankfully Nurse D let Christa empty her bladder and refill it...lucky her. :) There was a waiting room full of patients waiting for their ET's or IUI's.

And I was sitting there. The pregnant girl at the infertility clinic. Great.

It was so odd to be back at the same clinic where my little Nemo was created. Where I got to see her first picture as an 8 cell embryo. And there I sat with my friend as she waited to have her FET. Christa and I talked and joked around with one another. And when Nurse D and Ms. G got there I went and said hi to them and showed them my latest u/s pictures. But I felt guilty.

Guilty that I have made it to that other side.
Guilty that I am not one of those sitting there waiting for that ET.
Guilty that my 1 lonely embryo became my sweet baby girl.

And those couples sitting there, feeling all those same feelings that I have felt, have no idea that I have walked in their shoes. But I do understand. I do know. I know the pain of seeing some pregnant lady all excited about her baby. The jealousy that comes when you hear about someone else being pregnant. That overwhelming desire to just have a baby.

It is a struggle that so many infertile women go through once that reach the goal of being pregnant. Your heart is bursting with joy and happiness but your head is still waiting for that other shoe to drop. For the craptastic side of infertility to swing in and make your life a living hell. You feel a kinship to those women who have stood beside you during your own journey and even though you are "on the other side" you want to still stand with them. But can you? Do they want you there? Is it going to be painful for them to see you with a growing belly?

And the guilt sets in......

Saturday, January 29, 2011

We Bought Furniture!

Our sweet baby girl just got her bedroom furniture purchased for her!

It was a tough decision but we decided to go with JCPenney. I found a set that included the crib, tall dresser and low dresser for one price. It is the Hartford Straight-Back set....we love the simple, classic lines and of course the price. We wanted a set that would convert to a toddler bed and a full size bed and this totally fit the bill!

I really wanted to stay around $1000 for all of the furniture that we would need. This set is on sale for $750 so our $1000 got us the conversion rails and a bookcase. Tres important since reading is going to be part of our regular bedtime routine! We are re-using our LazyBoy recliner (covering it with a slipcover since it is navy blue)which makes me actually look forward to those middle of the night feedings. It is super comfy!

I am so excited for it to get here and set it all up!

We also decided on bedding for little Miss Madison. We are going with MiGi Blossom...totally girly without being obnoxious. I am thinking of doing the walls a lightly pink-tinted white. What do you think? This all started from wanting to find a cute knitted coming home outfit that would look good hanging from a shelf on the wall. I found a few things that I like but have not totally decided on that.

I have also made my first official purchase of clothes for her. Surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. I got a sleeper that is pink and white stripes and says "I love Daddy" on it and a yellow and white striped dress with navy blue polka dot trim and bloomers. And of course bows! She has to have bows!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Just a quick post to give my promised weekly update!

How Far Along: 20 weeks...halfway there!
How Big is The Baby: according to my weekly email, she is about 10.5 oz and as long as a banana. Crazy!
Total Weight Gain: still fluctuating about 1-3 lbs below where I started
Maternity Clothes: yes but still able to wear some non-maternity tops.
Sleep: I have had some insomnia this week...it makes me so sleepy during the day.
GENDER: It's a girl!!!
Movement: Still nothing that I can say for sure is the baby...this is driving me batty
Food Cravings: Nothing crazy this week...in fact there have been a few days where I have to remind myself to eat.
What I Miss: not much right now
What I'm looking forward to: A wonderful weekend with my husband and hopefully getting her furniture ordered.
Milestones: I am half-baked today!
Symptoms: I have intermittent heartburn. I hate Tums.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Know I am Not Suppossed To But....

I am freaking out a bit.

I am 19 weeks 3 days pregnant and I have not felt any movement that I can say for sure is this baby. I thought I did...until it was just gas. (I am super embarrassed about that.) I know everyone is different but come on! I just want to be able to feel her move so that I know she is okay.

During our anatomy ultrasound, she would turn over and it absolutely baffled me that I did not feel it at all. Nothing. Ziltch. Nada. I just don't get how something the size of a mango can be kicking and rolling and yet I feel zero of it.

I guess I am just too padded. I know it could be (and most likely is from) the anterior placenta. Madison has lots of stuff to kick through before it registers with me. But I still don't like it.

Friday, January 21, 2011


:::tap...tap...tap::: Is this thing on?

I have been gone. I make no apologies. I have been uninspired to write anything. But I have been informed by a few people that I have not updated my blog. So an update....

This pregnancy is going pretty well so far. Since I last wrote on here, I have had 2 OB appts and my anatomy scan. My OB says I am doing great. I actually am still about 1-2 lbs below my high IVF stim weight. Basically what is happening is that all the bloat and water weight gain from IVF stims is disappearing and the baby weight is creeping on in. I have a goal to not gain more than 20-25 lbs throughout the pregnancy. But I have to be honest...Kosher Dill Pickle flavored potato chips do not help. :)

Speaking of those...that is the only pregnancy craving that I have had so far. I will get hunger for other things but not like the "I need it now!" feeling I can get for those potato chips!

The most exciting thing that has happened since December is we found out that Nemo is a girl! I am beyond excited to have a daughter...my little girl. I would have be happy to have a boy too but I really wanted a little girl. Politically incorrect yes but it is how I felt. And I have thought since the moment that I saw that embryo that this was a little girl. Yay for mother's instinct!

So today I am 19 weeks...almost half way! I thought I should start doing weekly belly updates. So here goes my first one....

How Far Along: 19 weeks!
How Big is The Baby: about 6 inches long and 1/2 lb...about the size of a mango
Total Weight Gain: discussed above...still down 1-2 lbs
Maternity Clothes: oh my god yes...since about 9 weeks for pants. I can still wear some of my normal shirts but I do have maternity ones that cover much better. Dresses are not an issue
Sleep: I sleep fairly well...but I am waking up to use the bathroom each night (early morning) at about 4:30 am.
GENDER: It's a girl!!!
Movement: I don't think so yet...although honestly I am not sure. I feel bubbly feelings but it could totally be gas.
Food Cravings: see above :)
What I Miss: nothing really...the other day I really wanted a glass of wine but I have no desire to actually drink any.
What I'm looking forward to: Our trip back to Seattle in a few weeks to visit my family.
Milestones: found out the gender this week and I am getting more and more stranger comments....apparently I do look pregnant and not just fat!
Symptoms: nothing to really complain about...I am peeing more often