Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Devastation

I had my first beta (blood pregnancy test for those that don't know that term) today. I have been counting down the days and I will admit that I caved and peed on a stick (POAS) three times before today. All three of those tests were negative. So you would think that I would have been prepared for the phone call this morning. It came around 9:45 am. Nurse D...I could already tell in her voice that it was not good news...was somber. She told me that my number was below 5 (she did not give me an exact number). Just for reference sake...average beta for 12 days past ovulation is 37. What is with me and these fucking low numbers!!!! She tried to give me hope and told me that I need to stay on the progesterone supplement and have my blood re-drawn on Friday. I really don't want to do it. Right now I don't think I can take hearing the word negative again. I just want to have my life back for a little while and move forward to the next step. Although I am just not sure what that is right now or when that is for that matter.

It has taken me all day to write this post because a part of me does not want to believe that this is happening. I have really enjoyed living in pregnant land....okay except for the whole no caffeine part. And the no wine part. And the no sex part. Okay maybe I am missing more than I realize.

I feel like a bad wife. After that phone call, I did nothing...and I mean NOTHING! I laid on the couch and cried and cried. For those that called...sorry I did not answer. Don't feel like talking. To my husband...sorry I did not make the bed, do the dishes, or make dinner. I want to crawl back into to bed and eat junk food for the next three days. I am tired of being positive and upbeat...I am tired of having hope. Yes I will continue to do the meds and yes I will do the next bloodtest but I am not going to have hope right now. I can't...it hurts my heart. I want to be a mom and I feel like Dorothy in the Wicked Witch's castle...trapped in a room with the sands trickling through the hourglass. Every day that goes by...there goes my chances of having a baby with it.

6 comments:

alimac33 said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words. Just know I'm thinking about you...

LilPeach said...

Like I told you on the phone, not now does NOT mean not ever. You will have a chance to do this again. And because you have Dr. P and Nurse D., who now know a lot more about your cycle than they did before this first time, can and WILL do things a bit differently on your second try. And you get to choose when that will be.
Give yourself time to grieve...then give yourself permission to take time and become your happy, positive self...and you'll be ready to go down this path in a different direction.
Remember, if you were using normal methods to conceive, all of this would have happened and you'd not have known a thing.
I love you. Mom

Jen said...

I can only imagine how you feel right now and I have no words. But I DO take comfort in knowing you are not alone. In this season of miracles, where Christ knowingly sacrificed himself for the sake of the world - I say to you, take all your grief, anger and feelings of devastation and leave them at the foot of the cross. You are not alone.

Do not be afraid to seek the help from our Mother, Mary - she knows the miracles God can perform.

I believe in the power of prayer. I will pray for you.

There is a great movie called "Facing the Giants" I would recommend the film, it is truly inspirational on many levels.

Keep the faith. Thanks for sharing.

SouthernBelle said...

Hi. I'm nurdobb from fertile thoughts. I'm going to post my story over on the military pregnancy board for you. My first IVF was a BFN, but even with my second IVF, I had to go in for several betas because they did not rise properly in the beginning, but it all turned out fine in the end. Check over on FT and I'll tell you the whole story.

cntrygrl23 said...

Hey Susanne,
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and whenever you are ready give me a call or shoot me an email and we will get together. {{{HUGS}}}

Gretchen

Annie said...

Oh, hun. My heart goes out to you. I've been thinking of you and praying for you. I hope that they figure out a great new combination and next cycle is IT for you!