I had my first beta (blood pregnancy test for those that don't know that term) today. I have been counting down the days and I will admit that I caved and peed on a stick (POAS) three times before today. All three of those tests were negative. So you would think that I would have been prepared for the phone call this morning. It came around 9:45 am. Nurse D...I could already tell in her voice that it was not good news...was somber. She told me that my number was below 5 (she did not give me an exact number). Just for reference sake...average beta for 12 days past ovulation is 37. What is with me and these fucking low numbers!!!! She tried to give me hope and told me that I need to stay on the progesterone supplement and have my blood re-drawn on Friday. I really don't want to do it. Right now I don't think I can take hearing the word negative again. I just want to have my life back for a little while and move forward to the next step. Although I am just not sure what that is right now or when that is for that matter.
It has taken me all day to write this post because a part of me does not want to believe that this is happening. I have really enjoyed living in pregnant land....okay except for the whole no caffeine part. And the no wine part. And the no sex part. Okay maybe I am missing more than I realize.
I feel like a bad wife. After that phone call, I did nothing...and I mean NOTHING! I laid on the couch and cried and cried. For those that called...sorry I did not answer. Don't feel like talking. To my husband...sorry I did not make the bed, do the dishes, or make dinner. I want to crawl back into to bed and eat junk food for the next three days. I am tired of being positive and upbeat...I am tired of having hope. Yes I will continue to do the meds and yes I will do the next bloodtest but I am not going to have hope right now. I can't...it hurts my heart. I want to be a mom and I feel like Dorothy in the Wicked Witch's castle...trapped in a room with the sands trickling through the hourglass. Every day that goes by...there goes my chances of having a baby with it.