Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Want Another Baby

...not one to replace this precious girl that is growing inside of me right now but a sibling for her.

I have struggled with this feeling since our ET. We only had our one little Nemo to put back. The chances that we would have more than one baby from that one embryo was very slim. Hell the chance that I would actually get pregnant was extremely slim. So why I am not just happy with that? I mean I am...but I'm not.

I feel sad that Madison will grow up as an only child. She will never know what her dad and I had with our siblings. Will she resent us? Will she blame me for not having a brother or sister? The answers to those questions terrify me.

My sadness turns to jealousy though. I am jealous of those that were able to put 2 or 3 embryos back and are now pregnant with more than one baby. I am jealous of those that have frozen embryos to use in the future. I am jealous of those that are younger and have years of chances to have more children. I am jealous of those that get pregnant so easily.

My reality is that I am 38 years old...not sure if I have ever given my exact age here...and time is slipping away from me. My husband is not really on board with doing more IVF's to have a second child. Mainly because of how difficult it was to get here...I just don't produce many eggs and out of 3 (well kind of 2 1/2) cycles we only had 8 eggs retrieved and only 2 embryos that made it to transfer. Not very good odds at all. And by the time I get to the point where we are ready to go through another IVF cycle, I will be at least 39. Let's get real...there is no way that I will try to get pregnant before Madison turns 1. Even if I did it a bit certainly would not be before she is 6 months old. This makes me sad.

I wish all the time that we had more than our 1 embryo to put back. Of course that doesn't mean I would be pregnant with is all just a crap shoot. But we would have had a chance. There are times that it is so hard to hear about those that are having twins...I am jealous. And don't even get me started about finding out that they are having a boy and a girl. That crushes me.

I wish that we had frozen embryos to use later on. I have none. I was lucky that we had 1 embryo even make it to transfer and that it stuck. I would give my left arm to have even just 1 embryo waiting for me on ice. But nothing. Nada. Zip. And to be honest this one pisses me off. Not at anyone in particular but at myself. Why couldn't my body produce tons of eggs? Why is that someone else, on a lesser amount of stims ends up with 20-something eggs? And out of that number they have double digit embryos to choose from and they are still woe-is-me? Fuck them.

Um...that was nasty...sorry.

I hate that I am 38 and my fertility is crappy. I wish I could go back in time. Back to when I had years of possible fertility ahead of me. I want to be able to have this baby and try for another one in a couple of years. Hell I would do it even at this age if my chances were better. But they are not. And I am never going to be young again.

I try really hard to not dwell on things that I have no control over. I know that I should feel very blessed to have this one beautiful little girl in my life. I am. I really am. I just love her so much already that I want to have another one.

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