Monday, January 31, 2011

I Was That Girl Today.

I had the wonderful task of getting my friend Christa to her FET today. I was so happy to be able to help her out and be a source of support. You see Christa lives in Connecticut and our mutual RE (the fabulous Dr. P) is here in beautiful North Carolina. Since she was only flying in for 2 days...I offered for her to stay with me and that I would drive her to her appointment. (She had to take Valium beforehand so she was not going to be able to drive herself.)

So we leave the house and embark on our 2 1/2 hour drive...with a short pitstop to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. I was pretty darn proud of myself for getting her there on time! Unfortunately there was a hold up at the hospital and Dr. P was delayed for over an hour. Thankfully Nurse D let Christa empty her bladder and refill it...lucky her. :) There was a waiting room full of patients waiting for their ET's or IUI's.

And I was sitting there. The pregnant girl at the infertility clinic. Great.

It was so odd to be back at the same clinic where my little Nemo was created. Where I got to see her first picture as an 8 cell embryo. And there I sat with my friend as she waited to have her FET. Christa and I talked and joked around with one another. And when Nurse D and Ms. G got there I went and said hi to them and showed them my latest u/s pictures. But I felt guilty.

Guilty that I have made it to that other side.
Guilty that I am not one of those sitting there waiting for that ET.
Guilty that my 1 lonely embryo became my sweet baby girl.

And those couples sitting there, feeling all those same feelings that I have felt, have no idea that I have walked in their shoes. But I do understand. I do know. I know the pain of seeing some pregnant lady all excited about her baby. The jealousy that comes when you hear about someone else being pregnant. That overwhelming desire to just have a baby.

It is a struggle that so many infertile women go through once that reach the goal of being pregnant. Your heart is bursting with joy and happiness but your head is still waiting for that other shoe to drop. For the craptastic side of infertility to swing in and make your life a living hell. You feel a kinship to those women who have stood beside you during your own journey and even though you are "on the other side" you want to still stand with them. But can you? Do they want you there? Is it going to be painful for them to see you with a growing belly?

And the guilt sets in......


LilPeach (aka Laura) said...

One thing I love about you (of many) is that you were willing to help Christa regardless of the way it might make you feel.
That is something that sets you apart from the crowd.

Hugs to you and Christa!

Rachael said...

This is the one thing that I have to remember still being on the other side... It's so easy to see that pregnant belly and assume it was accomplished on the first try - but you never know how hard someone may have struggled. It's just so hard to see that and recognize that when you're still in the depths of darkness. You haven't forgotten and you still sympathize, which makes you different, in a great way. No need to feel guilty there.