Thursday, April 8, 2010

Honesty

It has been a week since we found out that our first IVF did not work. I am trying to hold everything together but honestly...it is not going well. Right now I have a lot of blame...I feel like it is my fault that this did not work. That my body rejected our little embryo. I am having a hard time going back to the support sites that I found comfort in...I am jealous of those that cycled around the same time as me and they got pregnant, I wish I could jump right into another cycle like some of the others. But that is only one side of my heart...the other is happy for all these ladies...they have their only struggles and my heart breaks for them as have disappointments. It is a horrible internal struggle that no one can really understand. There are times when I want to just give up and throw in the towel...but I want to be a mom so bad and I know deep down I am not ready to give up.

I keep thinking about how many more family events and holidays that we will go through without a child. It makes me sad. And the tears start. But I feel like I have to put on my happy face and keep going on...one day at a time. I am just not sure how to do it at times....I guess I just have to fake it if necessary.

4 comments:

Jen said...

There will be nothing that I can write here to change how you feel. You have feelings and no one should tell you to feel otherwise. This is a process, a physical, mental and highly emotional process and you need time to move through all the emotions (grief, anger, acceptance).
It is healthy to cry - it is ok.
Know I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Annie said...

Hun, I truly know how you feel. It was so hard to go back to those sites and see how many people were even able to complete the IVF cycle that was cancelled for me. And then to see the pregnancies that resulted was heartbreaking as well. We just have to find that one thing each day that will get us through. That's all we can do.

You're not alone and we're all rooting for you.

SouthernBelle said...

Hi, it's nurdobb from FT. I just wanted to say I hope you are starting to heal. I know what you mean about watching others have success. I felt that way too after my first cycle failed, but it did get better with time as I waited to cycle again. Take care.

Scottie Mom said...

I hope you are doing better. We all cry...there is too much going on with hormones, dreams, fears, etc. It is better than keeping it bottled up.

Hang in there!