It has been a week since we found out that our first IVF did not work. I am trying to hold everything together but honestly...it is not going well. Right now I have a lot of blame...I feel like it is my fault that this did not work. That my body rejected our little embryo. I am having a hard time going back to the support sites that I found comfort in...I am jealous of those that cycled around the same time as me and they got pregnant, I wish I could jump right into another cycle like some of the others. But that is only one side of my heart...the other is happy for all these ladies...they have their only struggles and my heart breaks for them as have disappointments. It is a horrible internal struggle that no one can really understand. There are times when I want to just give up and throw in the towel...but I want to be a mom so bad and I know deep down I am not ready to give up.
I keep thinking about how many more family events and holidays that we will go through without a child. It makes me sad. And the tears start. But I feel like I have to put on my happy face and keep going on...one day at a time. I am just not sure how to do it at times....I guess I just have to fake it if necessary.