I am alive..

I have not fallen off the earth...although it kind of feels that way.

We have had a busy few weeks. We went to Florida for our niece/god-daughter for her baptism. It was awesome and we were so proud to become god-parents! Olivia is a beautiful baby...so sweet and precious. And of course I cannot post without a picture of her...without further ado.......

It was a really quick trip but we packed a lot in...City Walk at Universal, Busch Gardens, Baptism, Sea World. We were only there from Friday afternoon to Monday morning!

Last weekend we had a party at the O'club....Night In Olde Havana...we had a great time and I am already looking forward to the next party. This is the "summer o'fun"...I have to party my heart out! And of course I got to see the general....I heart him! He is such a great guy and it is kind of sad that he will be leaving Lejeune in a few months. This party was his last social event. I really hope that he will be the one to sign off on BJ's FMF (Fleet Marine Force) stuff. It would be so awesome to have him approve it, since he has been so supportive of BJ doing his FMF and is always interested to hear how we are settling into Navy/Marine Corps life. Of course I forgot to take the camera to the party...so no pictures. So sad. :(

BJ has a crazy week...oh and by the way, he is now the Annex Clinic Head, yay baby!....he had his Marine Corps PFT yesterday, he has a big meeting today, a fellow dentist is here from Japan and he is meeting with her today to show her around, Navy PFT is Thursday followed by a CCDS (Coastal Carolina Dental Society) dinner, and pistol qual on Friday. Holy moly that is a lot! About the new position...it is kind of a big deal. They have essentially given him his own clinic to run. He has about 10 people that he is in charge of. Since he has only been in the Navy for 4 1/2 months...this is huge! It is rare that someone so new is given such a big responsibility. So needless to say we are super proud around here! I heart him! And being the fantastic wife that I am...I have decided to bring goodies in every week for the staff....brownies last week and cookies this week...they are gonna love me!

Nothing new to report on the babymaking front...since we are not doing IVF again until August. For right now we are just enjoying this time and all the fun that comes our way. I am still sad that we are not pregnant but trying to focus on the future and that it will happen. I thought I was doing great until last week at a OWC luncheon when another wife came up to me and said "I'm so sorry". It did not register at first that she was talking about our failed IVF but when it did (which was only a second), I lost it. I guess this is par for the course when you are open and honest about your struggles with infertility. I was mortified that I was bawling at this lunch. While I appreciate the support and concern....totally wrong place, wrong time. I know she meant well but geez. I guess I should not be too upset that I got make-up all over her dress...consider it paybacks!

Well, I guess this enough of an update for now....I promise to not go missing this long again.

Honesty

It has been a week since we found out that our first IVF did not work. I am trying to hold everything together but honestly...it is not going well. Right now I have a lot of blame...I feel like it is my fault that this did not work. That my body rejected our little embryo. I am having a hard time going back to the support sites that I found comfort in...I am jealous of those that cycled around the same time as me and they got pregnant, I wish I could jump right into another cycle like some of the others. But that is only one side of my heart...the other is happy for all these ladies...they have their only struggles and my heart breaks for them as have disappointments. It is a horrible internal struggle that no one can really understand. There are times when I want to just give up and throw in the towel...but I want to be a mom so bad and I know deep down I am not ready to give up.

I keep thinking about how many more family events and holidays that we will go through without a child. It makes me sad. And the tears start. But I feel like I have to put on my happy face and keep going on...one day at a time. I am just not sure how to do it at times....I guess I just have to fake it if necessary.

Operation Get Healthy (OGH)

So today began Operation Get Healthy!

I have no goal weight in mind...really I don't want to focus on it too much...but my starting weight is 193.0. Yep that's right...I just typed out my weight for the world to see. I weigh more than my husband...about 40 lbs more! That is sad. And depressing. But that is going to change.

Last night we went to Sake, a sushi restaurant in Jacksonville. I had a glass of Japanese plum wine and BJ and I shared two rolls and an order of sashimi. And we tried eel for the first time. (For the record...I will not be eating that again!) Oh and I cannot forget the sake and green tea ice cream. It was all so delish...well except for the eel. During dinner we were talking about our next steps and how we wanted to proceed. That lead to the discussion of how I wanted to be able to get in shape. I wanted to start running...with a goal of running a 5K at some point. If we cycle in June, that gives me about 2 months to get healthy...August gives me 4 months. We made the decision to cycle in August...I want to be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy.

So we went to a sporting goods store after dinner and I got fitted for my first pair of running shoes! And today we went for our first run...2 miles. I did not run the whole time but I can say now (about 1 1/2 hours later!) that I feel good. I am also going to get my big ol' butt to the gym on base...might as well take advantage of those perks of being in the Navy! They offer some classes during the week and I thought it might be fun to try some out and help build my stamina. Hopefully I will find some fun classes and some of my new girlfriends here will want to join me...hint, hint. ;)

So the plan for the weekend (yay a long one for BJ!) is to get some flowers for the planters and beds. Do some grocery shopping for healthy foods. Go get a second chaise lounger for the backyard and a small table for in between. (We have one lounger that we just got for me but the hubs likes it so we need one for him!) I hope everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful Easter....I understand that my family is thinking of having an adult Easter hunt. No eggs...mini bottles of alcohol instead! God, I miss being home!

Final Beta

It is officially negative. No baby in 2010 for us. We are going to cycle again just not sure when. We have the option to cycle in June or August...going to have to talk that one out and decide for sure this weekend.

I am actually at peace with this negative. Nurse D explained that she and Dr. P will sit down with my stim sheet and decide how they are going to change things up for the next cycle. We talked about the why's and why not's of this cycle and that for the next cycle we are going to be more conservative with our decision to move forward. If it looks like we are getting a poor response...we are going to be quicker to cancel. No more gambling with 1000's of dollars. I think I deserve a nice big glass of wine and some sushi for dinner tonight. I think I should get a present too but not sure if that will happen...presents just make everything better!

Thank you everyone for your love and support through this whole process. I really have enjoyed reading your comments and knowing that I have "my team" behind me. Of course when we get our little one...I expect all of you to come babysit! :) And if it is more than one little one...you will be required to come help!

So, some things I going to look forward to until our next cycle:
- riding the rides at Busch Gardens with my hubby, brother and sister-in-law
- doing a beer tasting at Busch Gardens (I think they have that there! If not then we will go taste beer somewhere else!)
- wine tasting at the O'club! Yay!
- April and May parties at the O'club! again Yay!
- depending on when we cycle...tailgating at DMB in Virgina Beach
- sex with my husband...okay maybe that should have been at the top of the list! lol