I am alive..

I have not fallen off the earth...although it kind of feels that way.

We have had a busy few weeks. We went to Florida for our niece/god-daughter for her baptism. It was awesome and we were so proud to become god-parents! Olivia is a beautiful baby...so sweet and precious. And of course I cannot post without a picture of her...without further ado.......

It was a really quick trip but we packed a lot in...City Walk at Universal, Busch Gardens, Baptism, Sea World. We were only there from Friday afternoon to Monday morning!

Last weekend we had a party at the O'club....Night In Olde Havana...we had a great time and I am already looking forward to the next party. This is the "summer o'fun"...I have to party my heart out! And of course I got to see the general....I heart him! He is such a great guy and it is kind of sad that he will be leaving Lejeune in a few months. This party was his last social event. I really hope that he will be the one to sign off on BJ's FMF (Fleet Marine Force) stuff. It would be so awesome to have him approve it, since he has been so supportive of BJ doing his FMF and is always interested to hear how we are settling into Navy/Marine Corps life. Of course I forgot to take the camera to the party...so no pictures. So sad. :(

BJ has a crazy week...oh and by the way, he is now the Annex Clinic Head, yay baby!....he had his Marine Corps PFT yesterday, he has a big meeting today, a fellow dentist is here from Japan and he is meeting with her today to show her around, Navy PFT is Thursday followed by a CCDS (Coastal Carolina Dental Society) dinner, and pistol qual on Friday. Holy moly that is a lot! About the new position...it is kind of a big deal. They have essentially given him his own clinic to run. He has about 10 people that he is in charge of. Since he has only been in the Navy for 4 1/2 months...this is huge! It is rare that someone so new is given such a big responsibility. So needless to say we are super proud around here! I heart him! And being the fantastic wife that I am...I have decided to bring goodies in every week for the staff....brownies last week and cookies this week...they are gonna love me!

Nothing new to report on the babymaking front...since we are not doing IVF again until August. For right now we are just enjoying this time and all the fun that comes our way. I am still sad that we are not pregnant but trying to focus on the future and that it will happen. I thought I was doing great until last week at a OWC luncheon when another wife came up to me and said "I'm so sorry". It did not register at first that she was talking about our failed IVF but when it did (which was only a second), I lost it. I guess this is par for the course when you are open and honest about your struggles with infertility. I was mortified that I was bawling at this lunch. While I appreciate the support and concern....totally wrong place, wrong time. I know she meant well but geez. I guess I should not be too upset that I got make-up all over her dress...consider it paybacks!

Well, I guess this enough of an update for now....I promise to not go missing this long again.

Honesty

It has been a week since we found out that our first IVF did not work. I am trying to hold everything together but honestly...it is not going well. Right now I have a lot of blame...I feel like it is my fault that this did not work. That my body rejected our little embryo. I am having a hard time going back to the support sites that I found comfort in...I am jealous of those that cycled around the same time as me and they got pregnant, I wish I could jump right into another cycle like some of the others. But that is only one side of my heart...the other is happy for all these ladies...they have their only struggles and my heart breaks for them as have disappointments. It is a horrible internal struggle that no one can really understand. There are times when I want to just give up and throw in the towel...but I want to be a mom so bad and I know deep down I am not ready to give up.

I keep thinking about how many more family events and holidays that we will go through without a child. It makes me sad. And the tears start. But I feel like I have to put on my happy face and keep going on...one day at a time. I am just not sure how to do it at times....I guess I just have to fake it if necessary.

Operation Get Healthy (OGH)

So today began Operation Get Healthy!

I have no goal weight in mind...really I don't want to focus on it too much...but my starting weight is 193.0. Yep that's right...I just typed out my weight for the world to see. I weigh more than my husband...about 40 lbs more! That is sad. And depressing. But that is going to change.

Last night we went to Sake, a sushi restaurant in Jacksonville. I had a glass of Japanese plum wine and BJ and I shared two rolls and an order of sashimi. And we tried eel for the first time. (For the record...I will not be eating that again!) Oh and I cannot forget the sake and green tea ice cream. It was all so delish...well except for the eel. During dinner we were talking about our next steps and how we wanted to proceed. That lead to the discussion of how I wanted to be able to get in shape. I wanted to start running...with a goal of running a 5K at some point. If we cycle in June, that gives me about 2 months to get healthy...August gives me 4 months. We made the decision to cycle in August...I want to be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy.

So we went to a sporting goods store after dinner and I got fitted for my first pair of running shoes! And today we went for our first run...2 miles. I did not run the whole time but I can say now (about 1 1/2 hours later!) that I feel good. I am also going to get my big ol' butt to the gym on base...might as well take advantage of those perks of being in the Navy! They offer some classes during the week and I thought it might be fun to try some out and help build my stamina. Hopefully I will find some fun classes and some of my new girlfriends here will want to join me...hint, hint. ;)

So the plan for the weekend (yay a long one for BJ!) is to get some flowers for the planters and beds. Do some grocery shopping for healthy foods. Go get a second chaise lounger for the backyard and a small table for in between. (We have one lounger that we just got for me but the hubs likes it so we need one for him!) I hope everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful Easter....I understand that my family is thinking of having an adult Easter hunt. No eggs...mini bottles of alcohol instead! God, I miss being home!

Final Beta

It is officially negative. No baby in 2010 for us. We are going to cycle again just not sure when. We have the option to cycle in June or August...going to have to talk that one out and decide for sure this weekend.

I am actually at peace with this negative. Nurse D explained that she and Dr. P will sit down with my stim sheet and decide how they are going to change things up for the next cycle. We talked about the why's and why not's of this cycle and that for the next cycle we are going to be more conservative with our decision to move forward. If it looks like we are getting a poor response...we are going to be quicker to cancel. No more gambling with 1000's of dollars. I think I deserve a nice big glass of wine and some sushi for dinner tonight. I think I should get a present too but not sure if that will happen...presents just make everything better!

Thank you everyone for your love and support through this whole process. I really have enjoyed reading your comments and knowing that I have "my team" behind me. Of course when we get our little one...I expect all of you to come babysit! :) And if it is more than one little one...you will be required to come help!

So, some things I going to look forward to until our next cycle:
- riding the rides at Busch Gardens with my hubby, brother and sister-in-law
- doing a beer tasting at Busch Gardens (I think they have that there! If not then we will go taste beer somewhere else!)
- wine tasting at the O'club! Yay!
- April and May parties at the O'club! again Yay!
- depending on when we cycle...tailgating at DMB in Virgina Beach
- sex with my husband...okay maybe that should have been at the top of the list! lol

Devastation

I had my first beta (blood pregnancy test for those that don't know that term) today. I have been counting down the days and I will admit that I caved and peed on a stick (POAS) three times before today. All three of those tests were negative. So you would think that I would have been prepared for the phone call this morning. It came around 9:45 am. Nurse D...I could already tell in her voice that it was not good news...was somber. She told me that my number was below 5 (she did not give me an exact number). Just for reference sake...average beta for 12 days past ovulation is 37. What is with me and these fucking low numbers!!!! She tried to give me hope and told me that I need to stay on the progesterone supplement and have my blood re-drawn on Friday. I really don't want to do it. Right now I don't think I can take hearing the word negative again. I just want to have my life back for a little while and move forward to the next step. Although I am just not sure what that is right now or when that is for that matter.

It has taken me all day to write this post because a part of me does not want to believe that this is happening. I have really enjoyed living in pregnant land....okay except for the whole no caffeine part. And the no wine part. And the no sex part. Okay maybe I am missing more than I realize.

I feel like a bad wife. After that phone call, I did nothing...and I mean NOTHING! I laid on the couch and cried and cried. For those that called...sorry I did not answer. Don't feel like talking. To my husband...sorry I did not make the bed, do the dishes, or make dinner. I want to crawl back into to bed and eat junk food for the next three days. I am tired of being positive and upbeat...I am tired of having hope. Yes I will continue to do the meds and yes I will do the next bloodtest but I am not going to have hope right now. I can't...it hurts my heart. I want to be a mom and I feel like Dorothy in the Wicked Witch's castle...trapped in a room with the sands trickling through the hourglass. Every day that goes by...there goes my chances of having a baby with it.

Who Runs 100 Miles?

My brother-in-law Billy, that's who! What an amazing event to witness! He did it in 29 hours 15 minutes...last year he was only able to complete 62.5 miles of the 100. This year he completed! Huge accomplishment for him and BJ and I were so honored and proud to be there to cheer him on. BJ even did one lap (12.5 miles) with him...#7 of 8. Christine (his wife) did the last lap with him. I did not do a lap since I was to be taking it easy but I did play official photographer. Took pictures from each lap...really neat to see the progression of emotion from Billy as the day wore on. The picture below is from the end of lap 4...50 miles complete. Look at that smile!



On the IVF...I peed on a stick (POAS...for those that don't know the term). Of course it was negative...I am only 7 days past a 2 day transfer. But I was inspired by some fellow IVFers...two of the couples in our cycle got positives today. One is only 1 day ahead of us...she told me she got negatives Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...then today got a positive. So I went and bought tests (um...actually 5) and immediately did one. So it was not first morning urine and early...trying to decide if I should test tomorrow morning or wait until Tuesday. Hmmm...to pee or not to pee. That is the question!

So How Are You Doing?

Or maybe I should say that like Joey from Friends..."Howa you doin'?" Well, my answer...good and bad. Don't anyone freak out quite yet.....

Really I am feeling great. I spent all day Sunday and all day Monday laying on the couch. Flat on my back...except of course when I had to get up. Oh and when Meg brought me Wendy's for lunch! I had a major craving for a bacon and blue cheeseburger and a frostie....yum! I stayed home on Tuesday and kept resting but allowed myself to sit up more. I know it was probably overkill but for my own (and BJ's) peace of mind...this has been a really lazy week. A friend came on Wednesday to take me out to lunch...it was so nice to get out of the house! But I was wiped after! And finally yesterday...I went out by myself! Yay! I took Tully to the groomer, got my car washed, went to the exchange, and stopped in to visit with Karen. Loved getting out!

As far as any symptoms...not really sure. I have been having this tight, pulling feeling really low. From everything I have read it could be from implantation....please let it be from implantation! No spotting...thank God. My boobs are kind of tender...not horrible but definitely different. I am not entirely sure that I can blame that on pregnancy quite yet. I think it might be the progesterone supplement that I am on...who knows?

So for the bad...I got a call from Nurse D yesterday. She was calling to check on me...of course i told her I was doing good. She told me the pulling feeling is normal...don't freak out. But then she told me the bad news. I am taking Endometrin as a progesterone supplement. It is a vaginal suppository...sorry for the TMI!....that I have to insert every 8 hours. I have to take this until we go for our pregnancy test. If the test is negative...I stop the progesterone (duh!). If it is positive...I have to stay on the progesterone until I am 12 weeks along. Bad news...there is a national shortage of these suppositories. That means when I run out...I have to switch to the dreaded PIO (do you remember my freak out of this from a previous post?). This means a daily shot in my ass! Holy crap! When Nurse D told me this I got queasy...honestly I thought I was done with shots and needles for awhile. Yes I know that I was going to have a few more blood draws...and then of course there is the whole labor thing. (And while right now, not even confirmed pregnant yet, I am planning to go as natural as possible...I know I will most likely have to get an IV...meaning no epidural please!) But the daily shot...thought I was done! So I went this morning to double check how much of this gold that I had in supply. Not counting the box I am currently using....I only have 3. Fuck! There are only 21 tablets in each box...this is easy math...I have three weeks left! My heart dropped to my toes. I am going to have to do PIO shots. Right now...I can't quite wrap my head around it. I feel like I need to focus on finding out if this worked first and deal with PIO later.

Nurse D told me that she is trying to round up any leftovers that former patients have from their cycles. I am so hoping that she finds some....please God let her find some!