Devastation

I had my first beta (blood pregnancy test for those that don't know that term) today. I have been counting down the days and I will admit that I caved and peed on a stick (POAS) three times before today. All three of those tests were negative. So you would think that I would have been prepared for the phone call this morning. It came around 9:45 am. Nurse D...I could already tell in her voice that it was not good news...was somber. She told me that my number was below 5 (she did not give me an exact number). Just for reference sake...average beta for 12 days past ovulation is 37. What is with me and these fucking low numbers!!!! She tried to give me hope and told me that I need to stay on the progesterone supplement and have my blood re-drawn on Friday. I really don't want to do it. Right now I don't think I can take hearing the word negative again. I just want to have my life back for a little while and move forward to the next step. Although I am just not sure what that is right now or when that is for that matter.

It has taken me all day to write this post because a part of me does not want to believe that this is happening. I have really enjoyed living in pregnant land....okay except for the whole no caffeine part. And the no wine part. And the no sex part. Okay maybe I am missing more than I realize.

I feel like a bad wife. After that phone call, I did nothing...and I mean NOTHING! I laid on the couch and cried and cried. For those that called...sorry I did not answer. Don't feel like talking. To my husband...sorry I did not make the bed, do the dishes, or make dinner. I want to crawl back into to bed and eat junk food for the next three days. I am tired of being positive and upbeat...I am tired of having hope. Yes I will continue to do the meds and yes I will do the next bloodtest but I am not going to have hope right now. I can't...it hurts my heart. I want to be a mom and I feel like Dorothy in the Wicked Witch's castle...trapped in a room with the sands trickling through the hourglass. Every day that goes by...there goes my chances of having a baby with it.

Who Runs 100 Miles?

My brother-in-law Billy, that's who! What an amazing event to witness! He did it in 29 hours 15 minutes...last year he was only able to complete 62.5 miles of the 100. This year he completed! Huge accomplishment for him and BJ and I were so honored and proud to be there to cheer him on. BJ even did one lap (12.5 miles) with him...#7 of 8. Christine (his wife) did the last lap with him. I did not do a lap since I was to be taking it easy but I did play official photographer. Took pictures from each lap...really neat to see the progression of emotion from Billy as the day wore on. The picture below is from the end of lap 4...50 miles complete. Look at that smile!



On the IVF...I peed on a stick (POAS...for those that don't know the term). Of course it was negative...I am only 7 days past a 2 day transfer. But I was inspired by some fellow IVFers...two of the couples in our cycle got positives today. One is only 1 day ahead of us...she told me she got negatives Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...then today got a positive. So I went and bought tests (um...actually 5) and immediately did one. So it was not first morning urine and early...trying to decide if I should test tomorrow morning or wait until Tuesday. Hmmm...to pee or not to pee. That is the question!

So How Are You Doing?

Or maybe I should say that like Joey from Friends..."Howa you doin'?" Well, my answer...good and bad. Don't anyone freak out quite yet.....

Really I am feeling great. I spent all day Sunday and all day Monday laying on the couch. Flat on my back...except of course when I had to get up. Oh and when Meg brought me Wendy's for lunch! I had a major craving for a bacon and blue cheeseburger and a frostie....yum! I stayed home on Tuesday and kept resting but allowed myself to sit up more. I know it was probably overkill but for my own (and BJ's) peace of mind...this has been a really lazy week. A friend came on Wednesday to take me out to lunch...it was so nice to get out of the house! But I was wiped after! And finally yesterday...I went out by myself! Yay! I took Tully to the groomer, got my car washed, went to the exchange, and stopped in to visit with Karen. Loved getting out!

As far as any symptoms...not really sure. I have been having this tight, pulling feeling really low. From everything I have read it could be from implantation....please let it be from implantation! No spotting...thank God. My boobs are kind of tender...not horrible but definitely different. I am not entirely sure that I can blame that on pregnancy quite yet. I think it might be the progesterone supplement that I am on...who knows?

So for the bad...I got a call from Nurse D yesterday. She was calling to check on me...of course i told her I was doing good. She told me the pulling feeling is normal...don't freak out. But then she told me the bad news. I am taking Endometrin as a progesterone supplement. It is a vaginal suppository...sorry for the TMI!....that I have to insert every 8 hours. I have to take this until we go for our pregnancy test. If the test is negative...I stop the progesterone (duh!). If it is positive...I have to stay on the progesterone until I am 12 weeks along. Bad news...there is a national shortage of these suppositories. That means when I run out...I have to switch to the dreaded PIO (do you remember my freak out of this from a previous post?). This means a daily shot in my ass! Holy crap! When Nurse D told me this I got queasy...honestly I thought I was done with shots and needles for awhile. Yes I know that I was going to have a few more blood draws...and then of course there is the whole labor thing. (And while right now, not even confirmed pregnant yet, I am planning to go as natural as possible...I know I will most likely have to get an IV...meaning no epidural please!) But the daily shot...thought I was done! So I went this morning to double check how much of this gold that I had in supply. Not counting the box I am currently using....I only have 3. Fuck! There are only 21 tablets in each box...this is easy math...I have three weeks left! My heart dropped to my toes. I am going to have to do PIO shots. Right now...I can't quite wrap my head around it. I feel like I need to focus on finding out if this worked first and deal with PIO later.

Nurse D told me that she is trying to round up any leftovers that former patients have from their cycles. I am so hoping that she finds some....please God let her find some!

Tales From My Couch

So here I lie on the couch. I am so bored but I know this is for the best right now. Of course nothing is happening right...at least that I can feel. Hopefully our little embryo is growing and splitting and doing exactly what it needs to do right now. It will be a few more days before it actually attaches to my uterus.

BJ had to leave not long after we got home yesterday for Bethesda. He has a course there that he is taking and it is not something he could reschedule or do another time. Before he left he got me all set up here on the couch, made me some lunch and took care of the pups and kitties for the day. And right before he walked out the door, he kissed me and then put his hand on my belly and said "stay in there little one". I, of course, got tear-eyed. Those lovely hormones again! But I will even admit..on a non-hormone day...that would be one of the sweetest things he has ever said to me. I love this man!

So yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions for us. The excitement of the transfer, the slight let down that only one embryo had made it through the night and now the worry and hope that it works. Another roller coaster ride! On the ride home it hit me...right now, right this minute...I am pregnant! I am a mom! BJ is a dad! We are parents! We have decided (I think) to bask in the hope and optimism that this has worked. Until some test tells us otherwise....We Are Pregnant!

I came across a Chinese Gender Predictor online last night and I thought what the hell...let's see what it says. Well, right now it says we are having a boy. Thought I would put that down here so that when we actually find out...we can compare. And speaking of finding out...it is still a debate in our house. I don't want to find out until the baby is actually born...BJ wants to know ahead of time. Knowing that we were doing IVF, the possibility of multiples was on the horizon...because of that I was wavering on finding out. It made sense, I guess, to know ahead of time so that we could plan and purchase things before the babies arrived. Well, now we are looking at one baby and I am back to wanting to wait to find out. BJ is on the fence now. I figured that nothing was a surprise when it came to getting pregnant, at least we could preserve this one last surprise. We will see who wins the battle! :)

Also yesterday, Dr. P showed us a picture of our embryo. It was the most beautiful thing ever! We will have to wait to get that picture (I am pretty sure he said we could have it some time later?) but they did give us a picture of the embryo being placed. I scanned it in and thought i would post it here for you all to see. The two pictures are the same...printed on one page and I did not crop it down. So what do you see? There are 3 bright lines...our embryo is the one on the top....can't remember what the other two are but the top one is our embryo. Oh and on a funny note the black abyss at the top of the picture...that would be my overly full bladder! I had even gone to the bathroom on the way there (about an hour before the transfer) but then drank a nice big bottle of water during the rest of the drive. Proof now for my husband that when I say I have to pee...I really mean it! Even when I just went an hour ago! Also, I would like to point out that peeing in a bedpan...very difficult, actually for me impossible. I had to go so bad but had to stay lying on my back for 30 minutes...I tried twice with the bedpan and just couldn't do it. I held it until Nurse D told me I could get up...then I ran for the bathroom!

Transfer was today

We transferred one perfect looking embryo. Our 2nd one did not make it through the night. The transfer itself went perfect and our little embryo landed in the right spot of the landing zone! I am home now and laying down...as I will be for the next couple of days. We should know whether or not it sticks in a couple of weeks.

The Embies Are Coming Home!

Got the call from Dr. P today. Our 3 eggs have turned into 2 fertilized embryos...one did not make it. :( But I am okay with it.

So our two little embies are looking good. The more mature one is our little rockstar and is doing great! The other one did fertilize normally but as Dr. P said "it has not quite yet figured out yet what it wants to do". I laughed and said "hmm..that sounds like my husband's family". So given that we only have 2 embryos...Dr. P wants to get them back to me ASAP. That means tomorrow is transfer day! We will be putting back both embryos and then begins the waiting game.

We are so thrilled that we have these two and don't regret our decision to forge on through this cycle. Even if they don't stick, I think we made the best decision possible.

Egg Retrieval Update

We are home. I am feeling fantastic! I completely thought I would feel like crap...I have been really tired and yucky feeling all cycle...but nope I feel amazing! I am taking it easy...out on the deck enjoying the nice weather and watching BJ do yard work. Lucky me!

So for the report....they went into 4 follies and initially thought we got 4 eggs but upon further inspection...there are 3. We have 1 that is fully mature and looks great and 2 that are slightly less mature but still look okay. Dr. P thinks those 2 have a good chance of catching up and the plan is to ICSI all 3 of them. I should get a phone call from him tomorrow to let me know how the fertilization went and how they are doing. At this point we are unsure of when we are going to transfer (depends on how the little embies are doing at the lab) but it could be either Sunday or Monday. Sunday would be great so that BJ could be there (he is going to Bethesda for a course all next week) but I have a back up plan in place for a Monday transfer.

I know this going to sound crazy but I kind of miss my little eggs. I wish I could go look at them and cheer them on...tell them to grow nice and strong. Already being a mom I guess. :) Keep our little eggs in your prayers tonight that they become rockstar embryos!

We are having beautiful weather today and I am enjoying it! I have my gatorade...just wish it had some vodka in it!