Devastation

I had my first beta (blood pregnancy test for those that don't know that term) today. I have been counting down the days and I will admit that I caved and peed on a stick (POAS) three times before today. All three of those tests were negative. So you would think that I would have been prepared for the phone call this morning. It came around 9:45 am. Nurse D...I could already tell in her voice that it was not good news...was somber. She told me that my number was below 5 (she did not give me an exact number). Just for reference sake...average beta for 12 days past ovulation is 37. What is with me and these fucking low numbers!!!! She tried to give me hope and told me that I need to stay on the progesterone supplement and have my blood re-drawn on Friday. I really don't want to do it. Right now I don't think I can take hearing the word negative again. I just want to have my life back for a little while and move forward to the next step. Although I am just not sure what that is right now or when that is for that matter.

It has taken me all day to write this post because a part of me does not want to believe that this is happening. I have really enjoyed living in pregnant land....okay except for the whole no caffeine part. And the no wine part. And the no sex part. Okay maybe I am missing more than I realize.

I feel like a bad wife. After that phone call, I did nothing...and I mean NOTHING! I laid on the couch and cried and cried. For those that called...sorry I did not answer. Don't feel like talking. To my husband...sorry I did not make the bed, do the dishes, or make dinner. I want to crawl back into to bed and eat junk food for the next three days. I am tired of being positive and upbeat...I am tired of having hope. Yes I will continue to do the meds and yes I will do the next bloodtest but I am not going to have hope right now. I can't...it hurts my heart. I want to be a mom and I feel like Dorothy in the Wicked Witch's castle...trapped in a room with the sands trickling through the hourglass. Every day that goes by...there goes my chances of having a baby with it.

Who Runs 100 Miles?

My brother-in-law Billy, that's who! What an amazing event to witness! He did it in 29 hours 15 minutes...last year he was only able to complete 62.5 miles of the 100. This year he completed! Huge accomplishment for him and BJ and I were so honored and proud to be there to cheer him on. BJ even did one lap (12.5 miles) with him...#7 of 8. Christine (his wife) did the last lap with him. I did not do a lap since I was to be taking it easy but I did play official photographer. Took pictures from each lap...really neat to see the progression of emotion from Billy as the day wore on. The picture below is from the end of lap 4...50 miles complete. Look at that smile!



On the IVF...I peed on a stick (POAS...for those that don't know the term). Of course it was negative...I am only 7 days past a 2 day transfer. But I was inspired by some fellow IVFers...two of the couples in our cycle got positives today. One is only 1 day ahead of us...she told me she got negatives Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...then today got a positive. So I went and bought tests (um...actually 5) and immediately did one. So it was not first morning urine and early...trying to decide if I should test tomorrow morning or wait until Tuesday. Hmmm...to pee or not to pee. That is the question!

So How Are You Doing?

Or maybe I should say that like Joey from Friends..."Howa you doin'?" Well, my answer...good and bad. Don't anyone freak out quite yet.....

Really I am feeling great. I spent all day Sunday and all day Monday laying on the couch. Flat on my back...except of course when I had to get up. Oh and when Meg brought me Wendy's for lunch! I had a major craving for a bacon and blue cheeseburger and a frostie....yum! I stayed home on Tuesday and kept resting but allowed myself to sit up more. I know it was probably overkill but for my own (and BJ's) peace of mind...this has been a really lazy week. A friend came on Wednesday to take me out to lunch...it was so nice to get out of the house! But I was wiped after! And finally yesterday...I went out by myself! Yay! I took Tully to the groomer, got my car washed, went to the exchange, and stopped in to visit with Karen. Loved getting out!

As far as any symptoms...not really sure. I have been having this tight, pulling feeling really low. From everything I have read it could be from implantation....please let it be from implantation! No spotting...thank God. My boobs are kind of tender...not horrible but definitely different. I am not entirely sure that I can blame that on pregnancy quite yet. I think it might be the progesterone supplement that I am on...who knows?

So for the bad...I got a call from Nurse D yesterday. She was calling to check on me...of course i told her I was doing good. She told me the pulling feeling is normal...don't freak out. But then she told me the bad news. I am taking Endometrin as a progesterone supplement. It is a vaginal suppository...sorry for the TMI!....that I have to insert every 8 hours. I have to take this until we go for our pregnancy test. If the test is negative...I stop the progesterone (duh!). If it is positive...I have to stay on the progesterone until I am 12 weeks along. Bad news...there is a national shortage of these suppositories. That means when I run out...I have to switch to the dreaded PIO (do you remember my freak out of this from a previous post?). This means a daily shot in my ass! Holy crap! When Nurse D told me this I got queasy...honestly I thought I was done with shots and needles for awhile. Yes I know that I was going to have a few more blood draws...and then of course there is the whole labor thing. (And while right now, not even confirmed pregnant yet, I am planning to go as natural as possible...I know I will most likely have to get an IV...meaning no epidural please!) But the daily shot...thought I was done! So I went this morning to double check how much of this gold that I had in supply. Not counting the box I am currently using....I only have 3. Fuck! There are only 21 tablets in each box...this is easy math...I have three weeks left! My heart dropped to my toes. I am going to have to do PIO shots. Right now...I can't quite wrap my head around it. I feel like I need to focus on finding out if this worked first and deal with PIO later.

Nurse D told me that she is trying to round up any leftovers that former patients have from their cycles. I am so hoping that she finds some....please God let her find some!

Tales From My Couch

So here I lie on the couch. I am so bored but I know this is for the best right now. Of course nothing is happening right...at least that I can feel. Hopefully our little embryo is growing and splitting and doing exactly what it needs to do right now. It will be a few more days before it actually attaches to my uterus.

BJ had to leave not long after we got home yesterday for Bethesda. He has a course there that he is taking and it is not something he could reschedule or do another time. Before he left he got me all set up here on the couch, made me some lunch and took care of the pups and kitties for the day. And right before he walked out the door, he kissed me and then put his hand on my belly and said "stay in there little one". I, of course, got tear-eyed. Those lovely hormones again! But I will even admit..on a non-hormone day...that would be one of the sweetest things he has ever said to me. I love this man!

So yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions for us. The excitement of the transfer, the slight let down that only one embryo had made it through the night and now the worry and hope that it works. Another roller coaster ride! On the ride home it hit me...right now, right this minute...I am pregnant! I am a mom! BJ is a dad! We are parents! We have decided (I think) to bask in the hope and optimism that this has worked. Until some test tells us otherwise....We Are Pregnant!

I came across a Chinese Gender Predictor online last night and I thought what the hell...let's see what it says. Well, right now it says we are having a boy. Thought I would put that down here so that when we actually find out...we can compare. And speaking of finding out...it is still a debate in our house. I don't want to find out until the baby is actually born...BJ wants to know ahead of time. Knowing that we were doing IVF, the possibility of multiples was on the horizon...because of that I was wavering on finding out. It made sense, I guess, to know ahead of time so that we could plan and purchase things before the babies arrived. Well, now we are looking at one baby and I am back to wanting to wait to find out. BJ is on the fence now. I figured that nothing was a surprise when it came to getting pregnant, at least we could preserve this one last surprise. We will see who wins the battle! :)

Also yesterday, Dr. P showed us a picture of our embryo. It was the most beautiful thing ever! We will have to wait to get that picture (I am pretty sure he said we could have it some time later?) but they did give us a picture of the embryo being placed. I scanned it in and thought i would post it here for you all to see. The two pictures are the same...printed on one page and I did not crop it down. So what do you see? There are 3 bright lines...our embryo is the one on the top....can't remember what the other two are but the top one is our embryo. Oh and on a funny note the black abyss at the top of the picture...that would be my overly full bladder! I had even gone to the bathroom on the way there (about an hour before the transfer) but then drank a nice big bottle of water during the rest of the drive. Proof now for my husband that when I say I have to pee...I really mean it! Even when I just went an hour ago! Also, I would like to point out that peeing in a bedpan...very difficult, actually for me impossible. I had to go so bad but had to stay lying on my back for 30 minutes...I tried twice with the bedpan and just couldn't do it. I held it until Nurse D told me I could get up...then I ran for the bathroom!

Transfer was today

We transferred one perfect looking embryo. Our 2nd one did not make it through the night. The transfer itself went perfect and our little embryo landed in the right spot of the landing zone! I am home now and laying down...as I will be for the next couple of days. We should know whether or not it sticks in a couple of weeks.

The Embies Are Coming Home!

Got the call from Dr. P today. Our 3 eggs have turned into 2 fertilized embryos...one did not make it. :( But I am okay with it.

So our two little embies are looking good. The more mature one is our little rockstar and is doing great! The other one did fertilize normally but as Dr. P said "it has not quite yet figured out yet what it wants to do". I laughed and said "hmm..that sounds like my husband's family". So given that we only have 2 embryos...Dr. P wants to get them back to me ASAP. That means tomorrow is transfer day! We will be putting back both embryos and then begins the waiting game.

We are so thrilled that we have these two and don't regret our decision to forge on through this cycle. Even if they don't stick, I think we made the best decision possible.

Egg Retrieval Update

We are home. I am feeling fantastic! I completely thought I would feel like crap...I have been really tired and yucky feeling all cycle...but nope I feel amazing! I am taking it easy...out on the deck enjoying the nice weather and watching BJ do yard work. Lucky me!

So for the report....they went into 4 follies and initially thought we got 4 eggs but upon further inspection...there are 3. We have 1 that is fully mature and looks great and 2 that are slightly less mature but still look okay. Dr. P thinks those 2 have a good chance of catching up and the plan is to ICSI all 3 of them. I should get a phone call from him tomorrow to let me know how the fertilization went and how they are doing. At this point we are unsure of when we are going to transfer (depends on how the little embies are doing at the lab) but it could be either Sunday or Monday. Sunday would be great so that BJ could be there (he is going to Bethesda for a course all next week) but I have a back up plan in place for a Monday transfer.

I know this going to sound crazy but I kind of miss my little eggs. I wish I could go look at them and cheer them on...tell them to grow nice and strong. Already being a mom I guess. :) Keep our little eggs in your prayers tonight that they become rockstar embryos!

We are having beautiful weather today and I am enjoying it! I have my gatorade...just wish it had some vodka in it!

I Am Not Textbook

Well, I did my trigger last night. And honestly, it was not bad. I put an ice pack on my behind for about a half hour...BJ mixed the med...and then the job was done. Easy peasy! It honestly felt like a pressure on my skin and then he was done. So happy. This morning I went in for my bloodwork at Camp Lejeune. (Oh yea, I came home from Fort Bragg...trigger was at 11 pm and I felt bad that my poor husband was going to have to drive 2 1/2 hours each way to come for a 2 minute thing.) A few hours later I got the call from Dori...

My level was low (shocking...that is the story of this IVF!) and I needed to do a second trigger. Fabulous. Bad thing....I had to have it done pronto. So I packed up my meds, grabbed an ice pack and drove onto base. Yep that's right...had to go to BJ's office to have him give me the shot. Great. So needless to say, it is done...not horrible but hurt a touch more than last night. This is what I get for saying that last night's trigger was my last shot for this IVF cycle. Definitely karma for something...was I that bad of a kid?

So anyhow...since I am now back at home...I thought I better update and figured I would also include some pics that I took from my time at Fort Bragg.

Here is the lovely ultrasound room...before said procedure. The room has three machines and is divided by curtains...yes curtains! How much fun is it that you can hear EVERYTHING that is going on in the curtain next to you...including pregnant moms having ultrasounds. Kind of hard to hear when things are not going the way you want.

Fort Bragg's hospital...where all my appointments have been taking place...this is not where the actual making of the baby happens (I will take pictures of that tomorrow!) but all my ultrasounds/bloodwork, etc. does. I am so thankful for this program and for Dr. P and Nurse D.

The Fisher House...I stayed here during the cycle. It is a foundation that provides a home away from home for patients/family members that are receiving medical care at the hospital. There are 7 rooms...each with their own bathroom. There is a shared full kitchen, dining room and living room. Looking at the house in this picture...my room is on the second floor to the right.

And because I love him so! My husband! On Monday, the base switched to the desert cammies for the spring and summer and I guess into the fall as well. Since I was at Fort Bragg, I did not get to see him in them for the first time that day. So I took this picture this morning! I love the deserts and the fact that he gets to roll up his sleeves. So sexy! And we found out recently that there is going to be a dining out in May....yay for getting to get dressed up! And BJ will be wearing his dress whites...um, hello Sailor!

Final Follie Check

First of all I want to thank those of you that called me today to check on me. It really touched my heart that so many of my friends are thinking and praying for us through this journey...and the fact that I had not updated the blog caused extra concern. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I love each and every one of you so much!

So the update for those that don't know:

We had our final follie check today. Dr. P did my ultrasound himself...I was very happy about this given my lack of trust with the ultrasound tech. It probably would not have mattered much because it seems that she has been pretty darn accurate this whole time. Dr. P measured 4 follicles today that are close in size. He tries to focus on one cluster of follies that are similar in size to one another, so that they can get more, better quality eggs. His measurements today were 13, 15, 15, and 16. Dr. P told me he is willing to trigger at 15...since the 36 hours will allow those follies to grow another 2-3mm...that means we should have 3 good follicles that measure around (hopefully!) 18-19mm. Follicles are assumed to have a mature egg at 18mm. His only concern would be my estradiol level. He wanted to see me somewhere around 1000...it was 972 today. He was happy with this and said it was up to BJ and me as to whether or not we wanted to trigger tonight or cancel.

BJ and I talked it out...well I cried and he remained level headed....and we decided to go ahead and trigger. It is kind of like a hail mary pass....big game, end of the 4th quarter, game tied, no time outs left, what do you do do kind of decision. If we had cancelled, there is no way to know exactly what will happen with future cycles...and let's face it I am not getting any younger. With every month that passes, my eggs diminish and that means we could end up with a worse result than what we have now. Of course it could go the other way and we could get a great result! Very much a what if game...

But regardless, we have decided to take our chances and trigger...to salvage what we can from this cycle. We are trying to remain positive and keep saying the mantra "it only takes one to get pregnant". While we do know that we may end up with no mature eggs...we feel like we need to at least try. So I am getting my trigger at 11 pm tonight...ER is set for 11 am on Friday. We are very hopeful that we will get 3 mature eggs and that we will get our baby in the end. No room for negative thoughts!

It Is All A Numbers Game

I have waited all day to write this post. I am trying to muster all my positive vibes that I can.

We now have 5 follies...that is down from 9 on Friday. To say the least...I was pretty upset this morning. I cried at the hospital when I was handed my chart after the ultrasound. I looked at the print out and counted. Only 5 follicles were measured. The largest one is 14mm, then I have 3 that are 12mm and finally one at 10mm. I was so devastated because Nurse D had prepped us ahead of time that Dr. P will not go to ER with less than 6 follicles. It is mainly to protect patients from shelling out all that money for a poor result. While I am thankful that they try to prevent their patients from unnecessary costs...I am utterly pissed off. I am mad that my body is not cooperating.

As I sat and cried...Nurse D went to get Dr. P. He came in and had a heart to heart with me. I really like that he does not bullshit me. He is straight forward and tells it like it is. The breakdown is this:
-I am not out...yet. He wants to see my estradiol level around 700 today.
-He will take me to ER with my 5 follies (based on estradiol level being good).
-If not able to do ER...we can cycle again possibly as soon as late April/early May. This is the cycle we were supposed to be in.
So I left the hospital feeling very bummed out and scared that this was going to be the end of the road for us. I came back to Fisher House and just vegged out, watching crap TV and pretty much being a bum. I spoke to a good friend and she told me to keep my chin up, think positive. It was a much needed conversation and lasted a good hour and a half...thanks Aimee! It was not all IVF related and she caught me up on all the latest going-on's at the office. (Aimee and I worked together in PA...I miss her!) After that I decided I needed to go for a ride...ended up at Target. After a little retail therapy...I made it back to Fisher House.

Then I got the phone call. Nurse D called to tell me that my estradiol is 624...not quite 700 but close enough for Dr. P. I am going to keep stimming and get rechecked on Wednesday. Dr. P is going to be doing my scan...I am so happy about this since we are in this grey area of whether or not to trigger. Not that I don't trust the ultrasound tech but I don't trust the ultrasound tech. She is very nice but she is driving me straight to crazy with all this 9,8,9,5 stuff. And today she spent a total of 30 seconds doing my scan...she seemed rushed and hurried. I know I am one of twenty something patients to her but for me this is pretty much the only thing going on in my life. I have no job...no other kids to care for...hubby is holding down the fort at home...nothing to think about except getting pregnant. So Wednesday is our do or die day...make it or break it. If we are to continue with this cycle, I have to trigger by Wednesday night for a Friday ER. We are limited because of the schedule of the anesthesiologist.

So I am asking for any and all thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, good juju, penguin vibes...and whatever else you can think of...for our little follies to grow nice and big (but not too big!) by Wednesday morning.

The comforts of home!

I love our house. I love our comfy couch in our family room. And I especially love our bed!

After a long week spent at Fort Bragg...I am home for the weekend. My next appointment is not until Monday morning so I decided that I missed my husband, my puppies and my kitties...I am going home! I would rather be lazy at home with my husband than be lazy by myself.

My appointment this morning went well. I am back to 9 follies...not sure if she missed one on Wednesday or what but I am very happy to have 9 again. It is amazing how attached to these follies one can get. I feel like they are already my babies and I have to nurture and protect them. :) My estradiol level is now at 205...happy with that rise. I talked to my mom afterwards and she reminded me that sometimes slow and steady wins the race...aka The Tortoise and The Hare. I would be the tortoise. Maybe we should look at baby bedding with turtles on it? So I am staying status quo on my meds and hopefully on Monday I will have even better numbers!

So when I got home, the pups were soooo happy to see me. Kona has not stopped sniffing and licking me. Tully is being extra snuggly. I just love my little fur-babies! BJ and I were skyping all week and the pups were fascinated that they could hear my voice but had no idea where I was. Kona was kind of picking up that I was "in" the computer...Tully not so much. He kept looking around the house for me. We are all good now though....

Today is a new day!

So after yesterday's disappointment...today I am going back to my "eternal optimism, positive thinking, Susie sunshine" self.

Today is a down day for me...no appointments, no plans. Well, I can't say "no plans" because I have decided that I need to do something. So today I am going to go get my hair cut...nothing major...just a trim really. And I might go get a mani/pedi. Spa day for Susanne! I think I deserve a little bit of pampering...for all the shots that I have been inflicting on myself. ;)

I am also researching airfare today for our trip to Seattle in June. Hopefully I will find something that works with our budget...thankfully our dates are kind of flexible. We just need to be there for sure for my uncle's wedding and we can play around with the dates before and after that. I am so excited to visit my family...it is always way too long in between trips.

So, back to my positive outlook. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant...and as with every pregnant day in the last few months...I was pregnant with twins. In this dream, I had felt the babies moving and grabbed BJ's hand and put it on my belly. He got to feel the babies too. He was beyond excited to have that moment. I woke up this morning with one of those "did that really happen?" feelings. Then I looked around the room and realized that we are not quite there yet...yet. And I am okay with that because I can see that light at the end of the tunnel...I know that I am going to be pregnant at the end of this. I know it.

Trying to stay positive

So my second follie check was today. If you remember from Monday...I had 9 follies, all measuring 6-7mm. My estradiol level was 32. Nurse D told me that I was right where they wanted me to be...no worries. I continued my meds the same as I was doing.

Well, today I had only 8 follies and the varied in size 4mm to 11mm. Nurse D and Dr. P are expecting that the 11 will get over-ripe as well as the one behind it at 9...that leaves me with 6 follies. At least they are all about the same size. Nurse D just called awhile ago and said my estradiol level was 87. She wanted to see it above 100. This really freaks me out. She is having me add an additional Menopur to my meds...so now I at 150 iu of Gonal F, 150 iu Menopur and 20 units of Lupron. Please God let this combination work. Nurse D also mentioned that I may have push back the ER date from Wednesday to Thursday or Friday...just to give the stims more time to work. This is fine with me but that means that BJ would miss the transfer...sad but we do what we have to do. I have a back up plan for getting to the transfer without him so I don't have to stress about that!

Not long after getting my news about my bloodwork, my friend Meg texted me and asked how I was doing. My response was not my jovial self and that prompted her to call me. She told me just what I needed to hear...don't focus on the numbers, stay positive and know that this is going to work. Thanks Meg! It is nice to know that your friends and family are rooting for you and saying lots of prayers...even when you are feeling down.

Life here at Fort Bragg is a bit slow...lots of time spent reading my book and hanging out online. I did go venture out for some shopping yesterday...nothing too exciting but shopping none-the-less! I am trying to learn my way around base (or is it post when you are on an Army base?) and did just drive around a bit. I am thinking of checking out some of the museums that are here as well. Fisher House is really quiet...I should be thankful for that...and last night when I went downstairs to get my Lupron out of the fridge, the whole place was dark. All 8 rooms are occupied but you would never know that...I have only really seen one other guest and the house staff in the three days that I have been here.

Follie watch...

Well the follie watch is on! Right now we have 9 and Dr. P and Nurse D are pleased with this. I am too...9 is better than none!

I woke up this morning feeling crappy. I seriously thought I was going to get sick. I tossed and turned in bed for an hour before getting up. My stomach was flip floppy for about 4 hours. Ugh. I swear that when this future child is 16 and being a thorn in my side...I am going to tell him/her everything that I went through to get them here. I brought them into this world...I can take them out!

Also for the record, I did not cry when Nurse D did my blood draw this morning. These needles every day are de-sensitizing me!

Other than all that...I am doing good. I feel like a salmon. Right now I am just hanging out at Starbuck's..yes I am drinking decaf coffee...waiting to go back to Fisher House to check in. Then I am going to take a nap. So I leave you with this mantra...Grow Follies Grow!

Symptoms & Side Effects

Well, something seems to be working. BJ and I decided to take a drive today. As I was getting ready, I put my jeans on. The ones I have worn for quite awhile...the ones I have needed to wear a belt with lately. The were tight...as in uncomfortable to button up. So I put them back on the hanger and grabbed the comfy pants! BJ's reaction to me not fitting into my pants..."that's great babe!" He is like a kid in a candy store...very excited but has no idea what he is in store for (tummy aches, weight gain, sugar binge!). Very cute indeed!

I am also having headaches. Not sure if it is caffeine withdrawal or the Lupron...headaches is a side effect...either way, I am taking Tylenol here and there and just trying to deal with it. I am also getting weepy. Commercials make me cry...dumb commercials. If it has a baby in it, forget it.

I was out with some girlfriends and I saw an Easter basket...I got teary-eyed because it would be so cute for my future daughter. If I have a daughter...God I would love a daughter. Of course the shop owner said it could be done in other colors as well. Of course that made me think of a son...the chance to see my husband play with his little boy. Tears, again. Before the whole basket incident, we had been sitting, eating lunch and one was telling us a story about trying to donate some of her husband's things to charity and how is a hoarder and does not want her to get rid of anything. She told us about some blankets that were sentimental to him and I just thought that was the sweetest thing ever...I got tear-eyed. Ugh...hormones!

I just want this to work so bad! I am hopefully about 99% of the time...but that 1% can get me sometimes. I am scared that we will go through all of this and it won't work. I am scared that we will only have this one chance because we won't get enough eggs to fertilize and be left with some to freeze. I am scared it will work too well and I will get OHSS. Or that we transfer 2 and they both split and we end up pregnant with 4. 4 is a number that we have said is beyond our level of comfort and that makes me scared that we will have to make an impossible decision. I am scared that I will get pregnant and everything will be great..until the Navy decides to send my husband to some far off location and he will miss the birth of his only child. And since we plan to only do this once...he will not get a do-over. I am just scared!

But at the same time...I am hopeful.

"You like me...you really like me?"

So last night, I am chilling on the couch...surfin' the web. My phone starts ringing and it happens to be one of the ladies from Oakleaf Club (the group of Navy medical/chaplain/dental officer wives here at Camp Lejeune). She told me that she and two other ladies were the nominating committee and they wanted to know if I would like to be on the board for next year. There are a few different positions that are available and I get to decide what I would like to do. I am so very flattered to be asked. Of course my mind instantly sprang to the IVF and the possibility of being pregnant. I asked if being on the board would be hampered by being pregnant. She assured me that it would not be an issue and that we can always work around things.

So after thinking about it last night, I am going to make the call and let her know that yes I will take a board position! I am really looking forward to being more involved. This has been my goal and aspiration from the start....to be involved. I preach it to everyone I talk to...in order to meet new people, you have to put yourself out there. So here I go!

On the IVF front...I did my first big shot this morning. By myself...yep that's right...all by myself! I feel like such a grown up....this whole IVF thing may cure me of my needle phobia. Of course right now I feel nothing...didn't think I would....I am thinking it will be the end of next week before I really feel like an egg factory. My husband is being my biggest cheerleader and tells me how proud of me his is. Love this part of IVF! Since it is supposed to be nice this weekend...we are going to go do something. Not sure what yet but since I have to be at Womack on Monday morning and stay until ER, gotta make it fun! Of course nothing that makes my ponytail bounce!

And I had to include this picture from the other night. BJ has three of the four furbabies...practicing for triplets!

First day of shots done!

I did it! Well, actually BJ did it for me this morning but I did the one this evening. Not gonna lie...I cried this morning when I tried to do it myself. BJ was right there and he asked me if i wanted him to do it. Of course I said yes...I'm not dumb! But even with him doing it, I still had tears. It stung a bit...not sure why. He was quick with it. (God I hope he did not inject it too fast!?!) So all my mind kept thinking about today was that I had to do it again in 12 hours.

We had our dinner and then it was time for my next shot. I got everything ready and BJ stood there again. He told me he was not helping with this one. So I took a deep breathe and did it. It was not as bad as the first one. Holy shit my hands were shaking though! Tomorrow we "graduate" to the big stuff...same size needle but more liquid. Eye on the prize!

T minus 23 hours

The countdown is on! By this time tomorrow morning I will have done my first shot of Lupron for this IVF. This is still very surreal....somebody pinch me because I swear that I am dreaming.

I am very nervous about this first shot. What if I don't do it right? I am afraid that it is going to sting... a lot. But the thing that freaks me out the most is Friday...when I have to mix all three meds together. What if I do that wrong and this whole process gets screwed up? And how is it that three vials of powder mixed with one syringe of saline does not end up like glue? I knew I should have paid better attention in chemistry class. Thank God that my wonderful husband has a chemistry degree! He is very unphased by all of this...he is confident in his med mixing skills. This is why I love him so!

Optimism

I am an optimist. I believe in the glass half-full. I surround myself with positive thoughts. It never wavers...I always find the bright side of life (now I have that song in my head - "Always look on the bright side of life..."). Going into this whole IVF thing, I have it in my head that is is going to work and we are going to have a baby. I am my biggest cheerleader and there is no room in my head for doubt....lord knows it is too crowded in there with all the thoughts and plans that swirl around!

So it is with that optimism that I spend lots of time perusing the internet for baby stuff that I like. I know some will think this is pre-emptive (is that a word?) but for me it is part of the whole "see the baby, get the baby" attitude that I have. I guess it is something like "The Secret"...if you surround yourself with positive energy and thoughts, you will get what you want. I have found the crib bedding that I want for our very-soon-in-the-future baby.

How cute are these? I love them both! I asked BJ last night if it would be bad to order them both now. He said yes. No bad juju for this whole process so that means no purchases that are pregnancy or baby related. But I can tell you right now...as soon as I get the confirmation that we are pregnant and it is a viable pregnancy...I am going to order these sets. And yes I said sets...I plan to buy both so that I have them. When I find out what we are having...I can return the other one!

Today, I am home-bound, waiting for the rest of meds to be delivered. Sometime between 8 am and 3 pm...how's that for a window of time. But they need a signature and the meds are being shipped with a cold pack. So I get to spend the day doing stuff around the house. Yay.